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2002-01-17 19:52:40 (UTC)

stress relief

wow! he's been home for about a month now and i cant'
begin to explain how irritated by him i can get. it makes
me realize that having him gone wasn't such a bad idea.
but, that isn't fair. i shouldn't be so harsh! problem is
that he was in australia, saying things like he loves me
and wants to be with me and wants to have this long
distance relationship. and, when i ask what changed his
mind, he says he wants to wait until he's home to discuss
things with me. so, he comes home. and, then he leaves
for florida. and then, he's home. and, then we're off for
vegas, and then, we're seeing eric's play. and, so when is
it a good time to talk?

i understand that trying to talk during vacation and while
out on a date is hard and not an appropriate time to do
so. problem is that i'm a bit frustrated at not knowing
the status of our relationship. it's too hard! i'd just
like to know one way or the other!

if we are to go our own way when he leaves for australia,
then that's what happens. no big deal. i'll charish the
time spent with him right now.

but, if we're going to try to do the long distance thing, i
think i have the rights to know that, too.

my big beef over this is not understanding and not talking
about our future. i want to move forward, not backwars and
definately not be put on hold.

i think that's part of the therapy that i'm going through.
it's about trying to figure out who i am and what i'm all
about and moving forward with my life. i'm tired of
standing in the same spot.

i do admit that he has some real big quirks that irritate
the shit out of me. he's annoyingly self centered! and,
it appears to be that everything wrong with our
relationship is my fault. that i'm the raving jealous
bitch. could it possibly be that he's projecting something
onto me? could that be it? could it be that it's
something that he's afraid of? of loosing his freedom and
his time to hang out with friends?

i'm trying so hard to understand myself, that i don't know
if i have time to understand someone else.