DazedAndConfused

another entry... woo hoo

hey well im not that grounded anymore but i feel like the
biggest piece of shit ever. i seriously wanted to kill
myself the other nite... like awhile ago... i carved DIE
into my arm as i thought of ways to end it all. then noele
called and i told her how i felt and like was just totally
gone.
she called me about a week later crying, saying that our
last conversation really hurt her... i felt so bad, like
seriously i just want to stop hurting people by dying so
they wont have to deal with my crap... and she wants me to
stick around! i didnt know what to say... i mean i get like
these waves of depression its weird. like for a few hours
every once in awhile i go crazy and get all sad or
violently angry but then as soon as it came im back to
normal... thats what i tried telling noele but she was
like "what if in those few hours u do something horrbile
like killing yourself?"
gawd what do i tell her to make her realize that im ok???
i mean, i know that im really not ok, but i want her to
think i am so she doesnt have to worry about me all the
time, shes got problems of her own to deal with! SEE WHAT I
MEAN?! i fucking add stress to everyones lives. this is why
i need to to die. but i cant tell anyone cuz then its even
worse!!!! ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
well i told jeff about why im insecure with my body when
we fool around and stuff... he took it well, i was glad.
unlike fucking adam when i told him.."well ur not the only
girl thats been molested u know, and u didnt get the worst
of it liek those other girls do." jeez that made me mad.
i love jeff soooooooooo much!!!!!!!! i love him i love
him i love him!!!!!! hes so great :) we have or probs, i
mean hes turning 20 in feburary and im only 17... he hates
that we have such a big age difference, but i dont care.
ugh, and its hard cuz other guys at my school are
interested, and they KNOW i have a boyfriend!! like, they
are fun to hang out with then they get all up on me and im
like uh yeah hi i have a boyfriend, get off. then im a
bitch.
i was told the other day by my friend scott that guys see
me as a "tease" then i was all but just last month i was a
slut!! then scott said yeah well its just cuz u dress like
that and flirt but dont do anything with guys now that u
got a boyfriend. im like ahhhhhh i didnt do much with guys
when i DIDNT have a boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!jeeeeeezus i
wish people would get their stories straight.
but yeah back to scott, i think he really likes me, which
isnt good. he think jeff likes him, but jeff really doesnt
at all. scott wants to go to turnabout with me (a
highschool dance) but im already going with this guy carey.
i would rather go with scott, but jeff doesnt like him, so
he would be maaaaaaaad. and carey really wants to go, but
carey is a junior, and he goes to a different high school!
i wanna ask carey if i can go to his turnabout and then go
to my schools with scott since he a senior and goes to my
school. carey would most likely go along with that, but
then theres jeff.......
so i dont know what to do. scotts date bailed on him last
minute, theres no one else to go with. i wanna go with him
cuz i know i would have fun (more than with carey), and hes
a SENIOR. its his last turnabout ever!! hes really upset
over this whole thing. but jeff just thinks that scotts
gonna try and steal me from him. ugh!!! so i told scott
that i would talk to carey about it, but i dont know...
this is turning into a complicated situation and any way
this turns out someones gonna get hurt. bah.
oh theres more, but i dont wanna bore u more with my
pathetic little life... if anyones even reading this to
this point HAHA. bye bye