Visions Of Life
2002-01-17 14:03:47 (UTC)

Old Habits Are Hard To Kill, But Hey, Im Workin On It

Well.. I am still as giddy as a fuckin school girl after
being fingered for the first time... hmmmmm.... *laughs*

The shadow has been lifted.. I made it through a whole day
without getting depressed.. Yes, I did cry but they were
more like tears of happiness..

Today is day 1 of sorting out my twisted mind and perhaps,
beginning to deal with the evil darkness that lies dormant
in my soul... I am scared to death actually. Sometimes its
easier to hide from things than to face them head on and
damnit, I have 19 years of buried emotion to deal with...
But it needs to be done.. I need to do it or else I cannot
have a healthy relationship and I am too damn attached to
just give up.

I want to meditate on this but I do not trust my mind or its
"memories" right now. Some of the memories it has been
giving me are too fucked up to be real.. But.. if they are
real.. then Im in deep deep shit... because some things I am
not strong enough to deal with.

But on the bright side these memories are probally figments
of my imagination.. maybe the start of a new story and
somehow the brain waves were switched..

POne good good thing.. I am happy but not completly manic..
so this is true happiness.. not chemicals.. yay!!!

I am seriously thinking of seeing a shrink again once I have
some extra money.. as long as they dont shove pills down my
throat I will be fine and content.. and maybe not crazy.. I
still think I need hypnosis... *Thinks back to False
Memories by Dean Koontz* Hmmmm.. maybe i should stay far far
away from a doctor for now... *giggles*

I was able to write poetry last night but didnt because I
was at risk of creating some sappy mushy gushy love poem and
that isnt my style.. Depression is good for one thing..
Enhances my writing.. gives it a morbid edge.. lol

Hmmm.. Think I may Try Sleeping... Ill Write Later..