Cat

Self harming dyke
2002-01-17 12:11:30 (UTC)

champagne

Mood: miserable
Music: *talk on corners*- The Corrs
Cuts: Hmm, when did I last write this diary? 4 days ago...
well about a hundred since then.

I am getting into a very dangerous rut. I am now pretending
all the time and I am so scared of what will happen if I
stop pretending. The pretence is that my life is fine. I
can make believe that things are OK and it is just a little
phase. I know the reality however, and I cut when I am
alone at home and there is no need to pretend any more. I
have lost loads of weight which is very exciting. I am
approaching a lovely normal weight now. In the last 3 days
I have lost 5 pounds (2.5 kilos) and it is easy! Just don't
eat and, if you do, throw it up. Really there is no excuse
now for me not to be super slim in a few weeks. I actually
feel bloated and sick if I do eat anything, so the throwing
up part comes easily.

The other night I went very over the top with the cutting.
I decided that I wanted something a bit more dramatic,
where the pouring of blood was substantial and didn't just
stop straight away. So I broke a glass and tried that. The
glass was too thick and didn't cut. I tried a knife -
serated edge just made jagged tears. Back to the trusty
razor blade. But deeper. I don't know what I have got into
the wound with all those items, but it aches so much now
and there is loads of white fluid coming out of it. Do I
really care? The only thing that stops me just getting the
inevitable over and done with is the thought of my parents
and their hurt.

I am going to see a doctor here in Brussels tomorrow
morning. She is British and sounds so very different from
my lovely doctor in the UK. I am going to tell her about
the way I feel and how I don't sleep and then ask for
sedatives. I'll try and get Temazepam. If you drink then
take enough of these, you will die. It would be an option
for me to cling to in this world of uncertainties.

OK. That's long enough. I am going to have some coffee.

*Cat*




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