Cappy D

Cappy D's Life
2002-01-17 10:15:29 (UTC)

A total blank

And that's about the whole of it.

When I sit down and think about it, my life ends up as
one big total blank. Of course, I've done and seen things
while in the Military that most never will. But that's really
not what I'm talking about.

You remember when you where a kid and you had dreams of
being a superhero, or a race car driver, maybe an astronaut.
Someone big and important, rich and famous. Yuppers... 26
years later I'm STILL having those dreams.

I'm not really wallowing in self pitty, I'm not looking
for sympthy. I don't hate myself, and think about killing
myself. I actually love myself, I like the person I've
become. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect. I could
stand to gain a few pounds, and my posture is horrible. But
when I think about it, I'm really not bad off at all.

There are times when I just feel as though I'm capable
of so much more. I sometimes feel like a major underachiever.
I know that I should do more, and put forth more effort, but
can't seem to make myself do it. That's one of the reasons
that I was kicked out of college. I knew I should go to class
and apply myself, but I just couldn't make myself do it. That
and maybe that I have absolutely no self control.

It really hit me hard today at work. Normally I love my
job. But for some reason tonight, I couldn't believe that I
was stuck there. And it doesn't make any sense to me why that
should be. I was with the company for only a month and a half
before they moved me to managment. In less than 7 months I
got a $3600/year raise. So why do I feel like such an
underachiever?

I'll tell you why. Because I'm still having my childhood
fantasies. I dream about being so much more than I am. OF
being that race car driver tearing through the finish line.
Or an astronaut, cruising through space. A super hero with
awsome powers who saves the world time and again. Pathetic
huh?

What it boils down to is I appear to have a major ego
problem. My physical being is nowhere near proportional to my
ego. Hell I don't think the planet is big enough to support
my ego. And I'm also attention starved. I need to be in the
center of attention at all times. For when I'm not I become
moody, sullen adn withdrawn.

And with this revelation, I'm NOW feeling sorry for
myself. Why am I this way. Is it natural? Does everyone go
through the same thing? GOd I hope so, it'd dure make me fell
a hell of a lot better.

WHo knows? WHo cares? THat's the real question. I do...
but know that I shouldn't. THat I should love myself for who
I am. Ehh forget about it.

I'm still a little wrapped up in my problems with Anna.
I was miserable today because she wasn't working. I starting
to think I need a swift kick in the head. Knock some damn
sense into me. I was talking to a couple of friends today,
one of whom is my best friend. HE wants to talk to her and
tell her to either fish or cut bait. In otherwords, she needs
to either give me a chance, or to stop teasing me. I'm not so
sure that, that would be a good thing. Well, letme try that
another way. I THINK that, that solution would be the best
course. Because at least then I'd know where I stand. And one
way or the other I can deal with it. Much more prefered to
this living in limbo. However...

There is that part of me that DOESN'T want to know.
Because as long as I don't know, I can still believe that
there is that slim little chance that we may have a shot
together. I feel like an expectant father, being asked if he
wants to know what sex his child will be. ON the one hand,
with the knowledge, yuo can better prepair for the future.
But that mystery is oh so intoxicating.

Then there is my other friend that I talked to today,
and I'm damning myself for having ever brought the subject up
to her in the first place. Because she is convinced that Anna
does like me. Why is this a problem you ask? Because now, I'm
going to reenforce that smidget of hope that it may actually
be true, only to find out later on down the line that I've
been climbing the mountain only to have a further fall at the
end. DOes that make any sense at all? Well it does to me.

WAnna hear something funny? Well maybe it's not funny,
but it's totally pathetic. LASt night I had a dream. I dreamt
that I was an old, bitter man. I was rude, short tembered and
obnoixious. SO much so in fact that my children, children in
law, and grandchildren didn't want to come visit me. Simply
because I was such a grump. ANd when I woke from this dream,
I started crying. But they were tears of joy, not tears of
saddness as you would expect. I was happy because I had found
SOMEONE in which to raise a family, and grow old with. Well
that and the fact that I was old... I've always thought I'd
die at a young age.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm sounding like a high school love
sick idiot! Oh please, someone slap me! One of these days,
I'm sure I will meet that special someone, with whom I will
love and cherish for the rest of my life. Raise a fine
family, and shower my grandchildren with love and kindess.
And then again... maybe I'm just having one of my childish
dreams.

Cappy D




Ad: