fucked up
2002-01-17 05:46:50 (UTC)


yup the glass is lost. I have no idea where it is. i
searched for it. It ment so much to me. I lost it. Its
hard to try and pretend that nothing is wrong. I didn't
do a good job of it tonight. I almost didn't even give
rose a hug good night. I heard glycerine while in
garretts truck. i don't know why I love that song so
much. all it does it hurt me. I didn't bust out crying
when i was in garretts truck. i almost did. As soon as i
got out of his truck and to my house is a different
story. As soon as he drove out of site i basicly
collapsed and fell into deep sobs. I'm listning to
glycerine right now. I used to listne to it when i was
suicidal the first time. I heard it the night i woke my
mom up to tell her that it was serious. I told her that
it was real. Rose was there and helped me. I remember
hearing it. It was like a relief and got me away. I
still cryed when i heard it. I think i cryd because i got
away from all the sadness. Now i cry because it still
does. I try to pretend that i like it becasue its a good
song. That is only one of the reasons.oh god. i know why
i like it so much. Why it makes me feel better. I
listned to it with travis in mn all the time. THat was
such a great time. I miss it so much. I'm fucking crying
right now because its lost "don't let the days go by" you
never realize how wonderfull the good times are untill you
loose them. untill there in the past and you would do
anything to go back to it. Why do people live when all
they want is there past?? it isn't worth it to me. Maybe
tonight i will try again. I don't know that i want to.
lol the only reason i don't want to is because i don't
think i would succeed. What about school. I would loose
all the time. I would end up in the hospital. MAybe i
should be there anywayz. I cant stand this. And it isn't
even bad right now. there is no reason to kill myself.
There never was. I just hate being alive. I HATE IT!!!!
i hate it with all my heart. why the fuck am i here? i
don't want to be fuck "god" fuck him and everything he
stands for. there is no truth in any of that bull shit.
I didn't believe in god but i thought there was a higher
source. Now i don'ot even think that. FUck that. FUck
the " i am my own god" bull shit that some think. How the
hell are you your own god. You can't controll yourself.
Yet you think you are your own god??? go fuck yourself. I
am so sick of the religion bull shit. I'm really glad
that people have something to believe in though. I'm just
sick of being the only person to realize it. Fuck
living. i don't care if things will be better tomarow.
It isn't today. I've tried to make it to tomarow by
cutting myself, ignoring, refocusing, or just going to
bed. In the morning i loose my emotions. But whithin 5
hours of the day they all come back to me. So i try it
again cause"things will be better tomarow" why the fuck
is it never better than?? tomarow never comes. Later
never comes. THe long run is to far away to see.
Analagy: your on an island. hungry and just plain fucked
up. Somone says that the shore of home and happiness is
only a mile away. What the fuck does it matter if you
can't see it??? why would you go into the ocean and risk
all that you have, as little as that may be, just to try
and get somewhere you don't even know exists?? I'm sure
you wouldn't. While your hungry now, you have food. You
go out there and its worse. No food, no happiness, just
an ocean of termoil. The ocean is my head. Why go
deeper?? I don't even know that something better waits for
me when i get there. What if its just another island.
Now you know my reasons for saying that i don't like
realizing things about myself. I end up all fucked up.
Just like i am right now. I read my feelings from
before. ITs really wierd. I thought i was over all of
that. But its still there. Underneath my mask. trying
to peak out. I want it to just stay in. I want to feel
how i did 5 years ago again. who am i kidding. 5 years
ago sucked too. I was twelve. thats when i was either
living with my dad or i was just moving back down here
with my mom. I don't want to go back to those days. i
don't want to stay in these days. i don't want to be in
any days. i want to drop off the edge of the earth. I
just want to die. I know i should tell my friends. They
are my friends they deserve to know. I don't feel like
having to go through all the bull shit again. Everyone
worrying. that makes me just "hurry and get better"
another words i learn how to pretend that everythings ok.
I amaze myself. I feel that i actaully trick myself. I
know that things are bad but i don't realize how bad. I
hide shit even from myself. As bad as it is most of the
time this is worse. I need to just cover it up again and
leave it there. I CAN NOT HANDLE IT ANYMORE. I just
don't know what to do. I know i should tell my friends. I
just am scared to. I think that they would be hurt if i
didn't tell them. But, is it worth the pain of knowing??
If they found out later they would be mad at me. If they
found out now they would freak. I'm not keeping anything
from anyone. They all know that i write my emotions in
here and they are way more than welcome to read whats in
it. I actually want them to. Or did. Now i don't. but
they have a right to know, so if they want to know they
can read this. And they will know the truth. If anyone
is reading this please e-mail me. Just say that you are
reading it. I feel verry unneeded and uncared about. It
would be nice to know that just one person is reading
this. Have a good day :) (see? im already acting like
everythings ok. maybe by the morning i'll actually
believe it)

Must be your skin that I'm sinking in
Must be for real cos now I can feel
And I didn't mind
It's not my kind
Not my time to wonder why
Everything's gone white
And everything's grey
Now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
Don't let the days go by

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
Are you at one
Or do you lie
We live in a wheel
Where everyone steals
But when we rise it's like strawberry fields

I treated you bad
You bruise my face
Couldn't love you more
You got a beautiful taste
Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
Could have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me
Glycerine (repeat)
Don't let the days go by

I needed you more
When we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
It might just be
Clear simple and plain
That's just fine
That's just one of my names
Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you