2002-01-17 05:00:38 (UTC)

i made lemonade out of it.

today i had school but no work which was nice. i work the
next three days in a row though and im sure thats going to
be pretty annoying. especially considering i work sat
MORNING. and i NEVER ever EVER work mornings. but whatever.
fuck jobs right. i dont know what im going to do about this
other job...i think i might take it. but then i think that
it might be a bad idea. and i dont know. too many things
for me to consider and work through in my head. and im not
in the mood for that fucking shit man. so fuck it. ill
worry about it later.
i saw sandra today. it was so good. im so happy that were
friends again. just because...when we were together there
never really was any time for us just to BE FRIENDS. we
were just together from the very beginning. and ive never
really had a chance to know her in this kind of way.
and...its been really nice. shes a great girl. and im glad
shes in my life again. we dont really talk about the past
so much. and its nice. because...it was really bad at some
points. a lot of points actually. i went a full fucking
year without talking to her. and im glad that were both
mature enough now to look past all of that and just view it
for what it is. THE PAST. things arent the way they were
before. in any kind of sense. and...thats a very good
thing. very good.
i know that emily has been a weirded out about me seeing
her and spending time with her. because she IS my ex
girlfriend. and i completly understand that. jesus. i would
flip the fuck out man. shes been soooo sooo good about it.
and it really means a lot to me. she trusted me through out
it too. and thats fucking amazing. i guess im just not used
to that really. you know. i dont know. the thing is like,
things are so different with sandy and i now. so different.
i was so young before. and now im not. its been like making
a new friend really this past couple of weeks instead of
seeing an ex. im not the same person. and neither is she.
in so many ways. but were still good people. similar
people. you know. and im happy for that. i mean after a
year people change so much. especially around these kind of
years. and college. etc. we had a lot of catching up to do.
and its great too because it was never really WEIRD you
know. there was never any sexual tension or anything. and
it made me so fucking happy.
also seeing her made me love my relationship with emily so
much. realize some things. you know. it was so good for
that as well. =) and that is one of the best parts. i think.

so emily hung out with her friend christin today. not
CHRISTINE. =). im glad that she has a semi close friend.
its good for her. the only thing that really bothered me
about it. and maybe im wrong for this. but you know, im not
seeing her as often as i used to. because of school and
work and all of the bullshit associated with that. and it
just hurt me a bit that on a day when we were both off. she
chose to spend that day with christin instead of me.
granted she did see me yesturday. but, i know that i work
the next 3 days. im not sure what her schedule is. and i
have homework and shit now. so im not going to be going
there. and i know she wont come here on school nights.
so...maybe im being selfish. but, i just want to see her
you know. shes my girlfriend. and i love her so much. and i
miss her when im not with her. she flat out told me that i
wouldnt be seeing as much of her because she wanted to
spend time with christin before she went back to school.
and i understand that. and maybe im the one in the wrong
for blowing off my friends to see her. but its just because
id rather be with her than any of them. but if she doesnt
feel or think in the same way. i cant hold that against
her. and im not. maybe i just need to reconsider my actions
towards that kind of thing.

i dont like them
and i dont like being around them.
but there are certain sacrifices that have to be made in a
relationship. and that was one of mine. and i think ive
been really good about it...i hope so.
i know its important to her. so...thats why im so much
better about it now.
this whole other shit thing is just scary for me.
because i do care about her. and i know that she thinks my
worrying about it. or her. or any of it. is not necessary.
but its also not something that i can control.
she asked me a month or so ago if i would be pissed.
and i said no. and she asked what i would do.
and i said cry.
but im not going to do that. i havent and im not.
i understand completly that she needs to do what she needs
to do. and if thats it. then go for it. you know.
maybe its just from my experiences in the past. or maybe
its just me loving her. im not sure.
if im there. ill be fine. i wouldnt be a bitch with her in
a state of that sort. thats just fucking wrong. but then
again im not sure if i want to be around her like that. im
not sure if i can just sit there and watch her feeling all
up on other people. i dont know if i can deal with that.
but at the same time, i wouldnt be okay just sitting at
home thinking about it either.
and i know that shed say its not a big deal. and that its
just something. nothing. you know. and honestly i
understand where shes coming from with that. but at the
same time. it is to me. it is something to me. and ive
changed a lot as far of all of this is concerned. from the
beginning to now. and im not saying that it doesnt fuck
with me sometimes. but, im not going to say shit. because
its not something thats going to change, and its not
something she needs to concern herself about. it was my
choice to change or not. and i chose to do what i thought
was right. and i couldnt be happier that i did. because i
do love her so much.

i know that things will work out. they always do. dont
im in love with this new cd. its amazing.

joan jett, dance hall crashers, goldfinger, tsunami bombs,
reel big fish, flaming lips, weezer, dexy's midnight
runners, the get up kids, the butchies, and bob marley.

exciting, eh? =)

i need to sleep. school and work. and school and work. and
then work again.
damn i love my life. heh.


i do...
i really fucking do.
that whole saying life is what you make it. its really
fucking true.
people that hate their life. its their own fucking fault.
im not saying that shit doesnt happen. and im not saying
that the world isnt fucked up. i fucking hate people.
but our lives. yeah. thats the one fucking thing we have
even the slightest bit of control over. and if you hate
your life. figure out a way to make it better. and people
need to learn how to chill and forgive man. really. grudges
and bitterness just hurt you. the vast majoirty of people
just fucking suck. so get over it. maybe even expect it. it
makes everything good so much more beautiful.