my manic world
2001-04-16 06:50:46 (UTC)

troubled times

sand ffalls slowly but steadily through the small hole,
emptying into the other side. when it runs out....we never
know......until the end.and do we really know then??? that
the end has come??? so much happens in so little time, i
don't know what to do with myself. the wedding, telling my
parents of my sexual orientation, my mind, it has all
afflicted me over the past 2 weeks, i have gone crazy at
times, been at peace at times, and felt nothing at others.
what will happen, i have no idea. the wedding is over, one
less stress to all the little ones i have already. but
things happen, events unfold, and sometimes......i loose
myself, loose control of my feelings, get lost inside
myself, subconsciously doing things, begging for help, but
someeitmes, no one hears me, sometimes, no one helps, they
don't know i need it, but i do, all the time. i get
scared, really really scared, of myself, of what i am doing
to myself inside. i try, i try so fucking hard, to be
normal, my mom says i am normal, but i don't feel normal.
do others see me as normal, i don't feel normal. i try to
not loose control, to remember to take everyday, every
obstacle, one at a time, but its so hard, so very very
hard, to change, change the things i don't know that are
wrong, because whats wrong?? whats really wrong????? i
haven't been able to figure it out. something has to be
wrong, my friends don't want to be around me, except kim,
and her of course, she'll always be there. sometimes, i
wonder if my parents even want to be around me, they say
they do, but i'm so awful, i question that occasionally. i
just want to be normal, i want to be crystal again, shes
lost inside, fighting to make an appearance, and i want her
to, i really really want her to come back, for ever, for
good. hopefully we will see her soon. the therapist
thinks so.