fucked up
2002-01-16 22:09:32 (UTC)

too much

i've realized another thing today. it sucks. I figured
out why i'm afraid to be alone. I don't let people know
whats going on inside my head. its too fucking scary.
look at what i wrote last night. not only is it too
fucking scary for anyone els to know, its too scary for me
myself to know. Thats why im afraid to be alone. Becasue
when im alone i'm scared of myself. Scared of what goes
on through my mind. i try to focus my attention on other
things but you can only do that for a certain amount of
time. I was talking to mars. It started out just talking
about how i want someone thats there for me all of the
time. Somehow we got on the subject of my friends being
woried about me. I told her i hated people worrying,
being scared, or sad, or anything like that for me. She
said that that's what people who care do. I told her to
stop fucking caring then. After i realized what i said i
told her i was sorry. I am sorry. Sorry that i ever even
thought that. let alone say it. I am frightend of my
thoughts. They are terrible. i was at mars' house
yesterday. There was a piece of glass on her bed. I cut
a triangle into my thumb. I was going to through it
away. I really was but i just kept holding on to it. At
that point i could controll myself. That little sharp
object made me feel wonderfull becuase i could then
controll my pain. Physically at least. But physical
pain took my focus off of mental pain. For the second
that i was focusing on my physical pain i was normal.
Everyone feels physical pain when they are cut. So did
i. It made me feel wonderfull. I kept the damn piece of
glass. It was like i respected it. I respected it for
being able to do so much yet being so simple. I put it in
my purse but now i can't find it. I wasn't trying to find
it to cut myself. just trying to find it to admire it.
This is what scares me. I kept a peice of glass becuase
it was sharp. i respected a piece of glass becuase it was
sharp. I wanted to keep glass. That scares the shit out
of me. I think i'm going to go and NOT be alone now.