a little piece of me
2002-01-16 20:05:50 (UTC)

yep, i'm goin broke

had metals today. first day where we actually did
something. we got some saw blades (come in a pack of
twelve). well, i broke 3 of them today! 3!!! konrad
broke 4, but still. 3!! thank god they're cheap. costs
about a buck for 12 of them. i can tell i'm going to need
a lot! i had to pick something with a lot of turns for my
first assignment. figures. that's how i keep braking the
blades. need patience! oh well.

other than that, not much new going on. i'm really
hungry. i ate too much yesterday, though, so i'm not going
to eat anything at all today. mom's making something fancy
for dinner tomorrow night, so i'm gonna have to eat a
little there. then i can skip the next day too.
friday..ugh. the dreaded doc appointment. i'm starting to
rethink the whole thing...i mean, i'm going for all the
wrong reasons. i'm going for other people, instead of
myself. i don't want help. and i don't want to go. i
don't know why i still am, actually. i've pretty much lost
brett, and he was my main reason for going. maybe i should
cancel. call my mom, tell her something has come up.
can't make it. then i can just keep putting it off until i
move, when i won't have to make excuses. just not go.

speaking of brett, i must talk about our situation a bit
more. i don't know how i feel anymore. i don't think i
love him anymore. i mean, i guess i always will in some
way, but not the way i did before. he just hurt me too
bad, and i don't believe it when he says he loves me. i
can't love someone back if they don't love me. i just
can't. i mean, i know he doesn't. this is how our
conversation went today:

him: hey
me: hi
him: What's up
me: not much
me: you?
him: nm at all
him: Gotta take down my X-mas lights form the tree's soon
me: yeah
him: how's everything goin?
me: ok i guess. how about you?
him: Can't complain
me: that's good
him: yep
him: well... I better go get those lights down
me: ok
him: Miss you
me: yeah...miss you too
him: MWA ttyl bye bye baby
me: bye bye

doesn't seem so bad, right? well, he's been doing this a
lot lately...he leaves shortly after i get on, or if i'm
already on, he only stays on for a few minutes. i dunno
what to think or feel these days. i'm starting to shut
down again..to withdraw. i know i shouldn't but i can't
help it. i don't want him to hurt me again, so i guess it
really would be best to just end things with him. i'm a
stupid fucker for getting involved in the first place.
there were so many signs in the beginning, but i chose to
ignore them. i'm getting what i deserve i guess.