browneyedgirl

Lost and Found
2002-01-16 11:11:07 (UTC)

Just pretending!!!

I feel sick today.

Woke up feeling sick.

Still feel sick.

And i have not heard from sailor boy as yet.

You realise I dont care.

Well actually i do care im just pretending that i dont.

Which brings me to my point. i am going to be 27 in 6 days
and im just wondering when the pretending stops. I pretend
alot.

I pretend i like my degree.
I pretend im smart.
i pretend to like my mom.
i pretend to be a good friend.
i pretend to not care all the time about things that really
hurt me.
i pretend to be happy when im really not.
i pretend to be satisfied when im really not.
and i pretend not to notice that im treading water, in this
house, in this skin, in this life.

i dont like my degree. its conservative it sucks and it
will lead to a life of pushing shit up hill. i dont want
that. i want a david jones life.

i dont feel smart. i feel dumb. i feel like i have fucked
my life irrevocably.

i dont like my mom. she is not a nice person. she makes me
feel like shit. she makes me feel like my life will never
start. she is the antithesis of sailor boy. if he makes my
life a kylie song she makes it a funeral dirge.

im not a good friend all the time. i have been unfaithful
and disloyal.

i do care about the things i just shrug off. all the time.
particulary sailor boy. he hurt me. but i pretend he doesnt
matter.

im not unhappy. just coasting along. so not really happy
either, and sure you cant be happy all the time. but what
is with nagging discontent?

im not satisfied - but is 27 old enough for satisfaction?

i know im treading water.

but im feeling sick so who cares.

can i just say argggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


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