writings on the wall
2002-01-16 09:02:47 (UTC)

friends...where are they when you need them?

life is hell these few days. i just can't wait to
get away. have been crying for the past few days. i just
don't know what the hell is wrong with me. it's like every
little thing that people say will trigger my tears. i have
no one to talk to, no one to share my feelings with. i think guys
and girl-friends are completely different. for me, it's like i have
to keep a fake front when i am with them. in their eyes, i am this
good girl with good grades. heck, they don't even know that i am not
a virgin anymore so do you think i'll tell them that i just had sex
with a stranger last month?

i love being with them but sometimes they are too conservative
and i don't feel that i can open up with them. actually i feel that
i can talk to guy friends better than girl friends. i guess the best
thing about guys is that they don't blab around. i know that my
secret is safe when i tell it to a guy but with gfs, i don't think
so. am i being sexist here? here i am a girl and saying how good
guys are at keeping secrets! or maybe guys just don't give a damn
about your secrets. that'll explain it.

the other day i was thinking how'd it be like if i cut my
wrists. it's just a thought as i know that it will take a lot of my
guts to do it. i know that even if i don't die due to loss of blood,
mom will kill me first for committing suicide. funny how being alone
can do to you, you think about so many stuff, stupid stuff
especially, LIKE THIS!