The Shadow of Myself
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2002-01-16 06:29:32 (UTC)

on a starlit night...

I just came back inside from talking with Mel and E. I
took a box of tissues outside with me b/c I wasn't sure
where things would go or if I might decide that I wanted to
cry. Geez.. I didn't even know if either of them would
cry. So anyway.. we all bundled up and went out into
central quad. It was such a perfect night out there all
the stars were out. I suppose that we wouldn't have minded
if it was a little warmer.. but we didn't let that put a
damper on our conversation. Those girls are so awesome!
They are so willing to help me in anyway they can.. all the

We just sat outside.. on a blanket.. shivering and having
an incredible conversation about stuff. They helped me put
things into perspective. They think that I need to not be
spending so much of my energy into this guy thing. They
said that I need someone who is willing to share at the
same level that I am. I said I guess I understood how they
thought that and to some point agreed.. but at the same
time I still am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I
don't know what my deal is. E said that maybe I'm trying
to fill a void with someone who I can give this huge amount
of love I have to. I guess if that is the case I don't
know what the void is.

Then we talked about patience. I explained to them how I
felt like I don't have any patience when it comes to
waiting on love. I told them that I pray pratically
nightly that God will give me patience and that I didn't
understand why I wasn't patient yet. Then E said that God
has already give me patience. It's just in my court now
and I have to be ready to give up whatever is in the way to
make room from the better thing God has for me.

So basically.. after about an hour of just bein' with my
girls I learned a lot. I learned...

1. I can't look for love.
2. If I'm going to give so much of myself to someone.. I
need to make sure I'm going to get something back.
Otherwise I'll end up giving all I've got and have nothing
to show for it.
3. All I've asked for has already been given to me I just
need to accept it.. and truly accept what comes along with
4. Mel and E are really cool friends.. and they'll always
be there for me.

I guess I only learned 4 things.. but they're all huge.
And along with all of those things come so many other
smaller realizations that completely change how I see
things. I just keep looking in all the wrong places for
all the wrong things.

Who knows where the road I'm on is going to take me? Who
knows the people that I'll merely pass or the people that
will stop me along the way? Who knows how many times I'll
think I'm lost or I'll take the wrong turn? Who knows
how many times I'll find myself alone on the road that has
no seen destination?

God does.. and it's all in His hands. I just need to
gather all the courage and selflessness that I have and
give all of my fears, worries, and anxieties to Him.
That's all I need to do but for some reason I just keep
wanting to take care of myself.