Thoughts from Blue Angel
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2002-01-16 06:13:07 (UTC)

Complete Rage

I've been very angry before - the kind of mad where
adreneline rushes through your system. But I rarely act
out. In fact, I pretty much shut down when I'm angry.
Frustration is usually the root, and there's a specific
response from someone that would relieve that frustration.
I start shaking and become very touchy. And always, if I
get mad enough, I just break down and cry hysterically.

Even when I'm mad, I am more sarcastic than blunt, and my
main line of defense is to guilt trip. I have major
reservations about saying certain things, even at my

I should also mention that I rarely get truly mad. I get
cranky and irritated easily, but it takes a hell of a lot
to really make me mad.

Tonight, I experienced something I'd never felt before. It
started with the tension in the room between Brittany and
I. Then, everything just started getting on my nerves,
just as it always does when I'm cranky. Jason and I got
into a pretty big argument.

Tyler came online. Seeing as how he was supposed to come
over tonight, but didn't, I was a little irritated with
him. I brought it up, and before I knew it, I was madder
than I have ever been in my life- but there was no
adreneline. There was no frustration. It was deep...
like it was coming straight through me. I said some pretty
blunt things that I would never normally have the guts to
say. But there was no shaking.... Just the feeling of
being completely saturated in anger.

I apologized to Tyler after abruptly saying goodbye and
taking a few minutes for a breather. He told me he was
worried about me. I told him not to worry. "I'm just
stressed out. It will be better tomorrow. I just lost
control for a minute."

What he doesn't know is that I am very serious about being
upset that I lost control. For a few moments, I lost the
wall I've been so careful to keep up. And I am truly sorry
for that. I don't want to hurt him, and it definitely
wouldn't be fair for me to want him to worry about me.
But, I regained composure and rebuilt the wall... I know
he knows that's what I was doing, but he said nothing,
knowing that I'd only deny it.

I really don't know what is happening to me. I have much
to say about that, but that can wait for tomorrow's entry.