fucked up
2002-01-16 05:58:19 (UTC)

damn, about feb o 2000

My Heart
Don't even ask me why I am wrighting this for I
have no idea. It just seems like a good idea right now.
Maybe ill even let someone read this. Like Sandee
probably. I can’t keep anything from that girl.
N_E_WAZE I don’t know what the matter is with me.
For the past three days I have been in a really bad mood
that no one can get me out of. Nope not even Sandee. The
saddest thing is I don't really know why I feel like this.
I guess it’s just a bunch of little things that all seem
to happen in a short time span. I guess ill just pour my
heart out now. I'll probably just through it out n-e-
waze. First my mom has been having really bad anxiety
attacks lately and she has a really low self-esteem and I
don't see why she should. She’s fuckin awesome I love her
so much. But this is a daughter speaking. I would love
her no matter what. She went in to get her anxiety stuff
checked and they ran a lot of tests. They found some
tumor looking thing in her brain. She said not to worry
about it that she just wanted to tell me. I was really
good. I pretended I wasn't worried and that I was glad
that they found out what may have been causing her anxiety
attacks when really that was all I would let myself think
of because if I thought about it o hard I know I would
turn it into something way more and bust out into tears so
I just didn't think of anything. I didn't let my mom see
how worried I was about her though. So that is good.
Travis knows about Michael and Jessica and I.
Luckily he doesn't hold me responsible but I do. He is
just mad at Michael. If no one tells Michael’s fiancé
after the baby but before his or her wedding what happened
Travis said he would. That’s just fuckin great. That’s
what i wanted to avoid. Travis found out I lied to him
and that Michael cheated on Kristen. Damn Jessica for
telling him.
I pissed off Daniel today whom I really care
about. I was talking to him and I said, "Are you going to
talk to me?" He said no but smiled so I thought that he
was joking. So I said "yes!" He said no and didn't talk
anymore. I still thought he was joking so I warned him 3%
just jokingly. I asked him if he'd talk to me now but he
said no so I asked him if he wanted me to warn him again.
He said if I did he would block me. I asked if he would
really he said if I kept being mean. I asked if I was.
He said your being well lets just say I am talking to Kat
and I don't usually get to talk to her this late so I want
to stay on and talk to her but I wanted to know what I was
being like and he said a big baby but he says he’s not mad
at me anymore so its in the past now. Hope was ignoring
me or something that I still don't have straight at the
same time as all this stuff with Daniel. I totally pissed
Damian off. I’m not even going to get into that.
Some 11 year old girl is getting molested by her
father and it made me remember David’s daughter and how he
could be doing that to her because I never told anyone
that I thought he could. But I know he could. Then I
realized he's probably getting out soon if he’s not out
already. I’m not worried that he'll come after me but I
worry about what he could be doing to his daughter right
now because I was to chicken shit to tell the lawyers yes
when he asked if I thought that David would ever hurt his
daughter or do the same thing to her that he did to me..
When in fact I know he would hurt her and I'm sure he
would do the same thing he did to me to her. I've seen
him "spank" her so hard she passes out because she can't
breath she’s crying so hard. So her mom would go over and
slap her softly but firmly to snap her out of it. They
said she was just throwing a temper tantrum but I know now
that isn't possible if she was just willing it. If she
were then as soon as she passed out she would have started
breathing by herself but instead it took her mother to
revive her by slapping her. That isn't a temper tantrum.
That’s abuse. But it’s too late now. He is just an
Speaking of assholes as fathers my father still
hasn't called me and i've been gone for about a month and
my b day is on Monday. I don't know what to do about my
father. You know, I almost honestly hate him. I have no
idea what to do about him. Should I just let him call me
if he wants a relationship witch is what I would like to
do, but then again what if he is waiting for the same
thing??? We are both stubborn. I'll admit it although I
doubt he ever will but oh well that’s not the piont.. I
don’t know whether to call or just get the child support
and say fuck you to everything else about him. I did
always wasn’t a relationship with him but I think its just
to damn late for him. At least I have such a good
relationship with my mom.
Shit I don't know what to do about my mom. I am
so worried about her. You have no idea how much I love
her. I don't know what I would do with out my mom. We've
been through so much. From being in a homeless shelter to
more than one man that hit her to a great house and life.
And she can honestly say she did it all herself. I know
this sounds stupid but even I am proud of her for that
one. And yet she says she doesn't feel she has
accomplished everything she wanted to in life. That is
one hell of an accomplishment. Shit I don't know what I
would do if I lost her. I really don’t... I love her so
much. GOD DAMN IT!!!!! Now I’m crying. I AM SO
FRUSTERATED!! This sucks. lol All of this suppressed
emotion is coming out at one time and I know it isn't
healthy. Oh well. It's not like I can help it too much
but I am going to go to bed now. If you get to read this
letter you honestly should feel privileged. I don't even
know if I’m going to show it to anyone. But who ever is
reading this with my permission know that I trust you