Nellie

wrote in about aprill of 2001

Lately something痴 been wrong. I don稚 know what. It
seems like everything I do ends up with me crying. If I知
sad I cry. If I知 mad I break down and cry. If I am
frustrated I get frustrated to tears. Everything I feel
is to the absolute extreme and it ends with me crying and
then crying harder because I'm confused that I知 crying in
the first place. I'm scared that I'm going back to how I
was before. I知 not that bad yet, but I feel that if it
doesn稚 stop, that that is what it will turn into. Today
in the shower I thought about cutting myself. I decided
not to. I smoked again today. First cig in about 2-3
weeks.
My mom is back to where she doesn稚 understand how
I am. Before she wanted me to talk about what was the
matter. I tried to talk to her tonight but she was too
mad from how I acted towards her this afternoon. That
just makes me feel more like shit. As if I didn稚 feel
bad enough before. Now I feel like shit and I feel guilty
because of how I treated her and on top of all of that I
still feel alone. I love my mom with all my heart but I
really can稚 be with her when I'm like this. It痴 as if I
am setting myself up to get hurt. I try to explain it to
her but she just doesn稚 understand my words. Eric
doesn稚 either. Its really hard because I try to explain
it to them so that they understand my actions better, and
all that that brings is just frustration on both sides
because they don稚 understand. I wish there was a
translator I could use to put my words into words they
understand. Hell, I wish that there was a translator that
could translate my feelings into words for me. I have no
idea how to do it. This is the best way I know how.
Writing. But its faster for me to type than it is to write
and its more legible.
Today I started thinking about not eating again.
It isn稚 that I have a eating problem, I just know that
there is some extra weight I could loose. The best way I
could think of to loose weight is not to eat so much. I
do eat when I am really really hungry, but if I'm just
mildly hungry I don稚 eat until I feel that I need to.
The best person I could think of for me to be
around when I'm like this is probably rose. Eric would be
the second best because I know he loves me and I actually
believe that he will forever. The only problem is that he
doesn稚 understand what I tell him. He doesn稚 know how I
feel and since I don稚 know exactly either its hard.
Usually when I talk to someone else they can have input
and it helps me realize what my true emotions are, but
since Eric has never really had any of the feelings I have
he has no idea what I say and therefore certainly can稚
clearify it at all. Actually it might be a good idea to
be with him when I'm like this, that way I can think of
new ways to express my emotions so that more people
understand me. The only problem with being with Eric when
I'm like this is that I'm extreamly emotional and he
worrys about me non-stop. Since I don稚 like it when he痴
worried about me I don稚 usually tell him the whole
thing. I think that when he only gets pieces of the way I
am it worrys him more though so I should probably just
stop worrying about it. Another thing is that I'm worried
sooooooo bad that he is going to realize just how crazy I
am, realize he can稚 handle it and break up with me. I
just love him so much and I don稚 know what I would do
with him, but I would rather him break up with me then be
with me when he isn稚 really in love with me. I just
don稚 know that he値l be able to handle me and my
problems I'm also worried that rose wont be able to
handle it. Right now everyone痴 life is fucked up and
verry stressfull. The way I am right I am pretty sure
that I can稚 help anyone. But if it is possible I would
like to. I really love all my friends I just don稚 know
what to do right now.
I am also VERRY desperate for change. I was going
to get my tongue pierced but that didn稚 happen and I
cried over that. Also I almost cut my own hair this
afternoon. Who knows I just might cut it by the time the
night is over. I was absolutely so desperate for change
that I moved my bed from being parallel to my wall to know
being kiddy-corner to it.
I don稚 know what the fuck is going on with me at the
moment all I know is that it sucks and I want it to stop.
RIGHT NOW. Rose I want to be with a lot when I'm like
this because she understands me and my emotions even
better than I do. In a way. Even though I know she will
always be there for me right now I just don稚 want to
annoy people. I think that I think I will annoy everyone
because at the moment I am annoying myself. Oh well.