fucked up
2002-01-16 05:53:16 (UTC)

Read at own Risk

I hate having feelings sometimes. expecially when i don't
know why. or it's a stupid reason. I am feeling verry
lonely and inadequit. Just because i have to spend the
night alone. I'm still not used to it. Eric isn't
talking to me. at all. while it's understandable i would
like to know if hes ok. im kinda woried about him.i've
been trying to work out lately. Just doing yoga,
kickboxing or even just stretching. just doing something
physical. I'm still wierd about spending the night
alone. i hate it. i'm afraid to be alone. physically
that is. i think that that is from when i was cutting
myself. thats when i started becoming scared of being
alone. I turn wierd when im alone. it's like a totally
diferent me. i guess everyone is like that.
I started school today. damn college is cool. except
that i have to read chapter one by thursday. I'm scared
to do nothing. that goes back to cutting myself also i
guess. I would cut when i was bored. That or i would
plan ways to kill myself to try and find the most reliable
way. And i planned what i would tell everyone before i
did it. once again im woried about others first. i used
to not even think about suicide because it would hurt and
scare people. Then my depression got so bad i didn't
care. I wasn't doing any good. It would be better just
to take myself out. I still feel that way though. None
of the people really need me. All my friends have each
other. they would be happier without me. My mom and
brother too. I know that at first it would be terribble
but in the long run it would be ok. They would have more
mony, and less stress. but then again they would have
bills left from my death. I am not really suicidal right
now. At least im not thinking about acting apon it. Damn
it would be easy though. I have so much Wellbutrin.
Wellbutrin decreases your threshold for siezure. If i
took all that i have...well damn. I'm not suposed to have
more than one within an 8 hour period. It decreases it
too much. 40 of them and a bath tub of water. THat would
be the combo. I think that i might delete all of this
before im done. I don't want to because this shows me.
My mind. as fucked up as it is. Hehe. add acid to the
mix. DAmn that shit fucks you up bad when your on
wellbutrin. Hopefully this time it'll work instead of
just getting me sick. that sucked.LOL I try to kill myself
because im such a falure and yet i fail and just end up
sick. talk about fucked up irony. The only thing that is
making want to delete all of this is that my friends read
this periodically. I hate it when they fucking wory about
me. I understand i worry about all my friends, but
still. I wory enough for all of us in the group. None of
them need to wory about anything for a looooooooooong time.

Sandee is leaving tomarow. thats sad. i've been wierd
since shes been down here. I think im just trying not to
get attached to her again. I know all shes doin is
leaving. Today her, garrett and i were all riding in his
truck. Damn that was fun. It reminded me of old times.
Just the three of us going off to who knows where. That
was great. I miss all of that. Things sucked back then
but we had great times that made up for at least part of
it. It seems like now any happy times are drowned by the
fucked upness of every day life. I still can't decide if
im going to keep all of this. i really hate it when
people read it. Oh i was talking about school. It is so
great. The prof. let us out for a 10 min. smoking break.
she started reading out of the book and so we all started
to oopen our books. She told us not to. it was great. my
comp is doing something wierd. its typing on the line
under where the word actually goes and it doesn't move to
it't place untill i start to type the next word. Major
fucked upness. School is so cool now that im in college.
she made sure to tell us that attendance didn't count for
anything, but since it was an 8 week course it would be a
good idea to come. I 100% agree.

I miss my friends talking to me. It seems like they are
afraid to. Maybe there just isn't anything to talk
about. Mars and i had talked again about a week ago. I
think i fixed it. yup now its typing in the right line.
god damn it it started to fuck up again. After she talked
to me that time she kind of kept her distance. Like i
said maybe its just my imagination. i tend to think
everything people do is about me. i desperately need to
work on that. I desprately need to talk to someone.
when i talk to people it helps me. The problem is telling
someone hey i want to talk because i need to talk to
someone or els i start planning out my suicide like i did
before. Actually now that i think about it i always have
something to think about when im alone and bored without
anything to do. Before it was my wedding then my house.
weird shit like that. now it's suicide. i like my house
better. Damn though. i built my house out of card board,
popsicle sticks, and legos. I've drawn it to scale about
four times. Garrett is really a great friend. You can
talk to him. I wish he would talk to me though. its hard
having a one sided friendship. I need a mouth guard. i
keep clenching and grinding my teeth. rose said she woke
up and heard them grinding. i love sandee to death. i
kind of wish she was staying. if i knew she was staying
then i would get close to her again. Right now im trying
to stay on the side lines of her life though. that will
make her leaving easier on both of us. I don't know what
else to say. hopefully none of my friends read this. i
don't know how they would react. fuck that. they can
read whats going on in my head if they not. if it scares
them then they can just stay the fuck out of my head and
quit reading this. it is there choice to read it. i gave
all of my friends the website and told them to feel free
to read. its kind of a read at own risk thing. oooo good
title for this. Right now its "feelings suck." ok i think
im done. another thing about this is that since its so
long people are more likely to skip a few sentences or
paragraph. so maybe they wont read it. here's the wierd
thing. i want feedback. desperately. actually someone
wrote back to me before and i wrote them back this
letter. now that i think about it i was basicly trying to
give her advice. what bull shit. thats so sad. i do
things without even realizing it. Oh back to what i was
saying. Feedback please. if you know me give me the
feedback in person please. i really want to know what
people think. i don't care what it is i just want to
know. Bye byes.