2002-01-16 03:37:36 (UTC)

i wouldnt mind being happy...

i wouldnt mind being me.. and in your arms id be happy...

if it hurt before will it hurt again? dont let me pull
away, let me feel the pain, and maybe you think that its
crazy, but ive been stoned and ive been stung, and im
still so numb, and i dont need any miracles in my life,
all i want is something real, something i can feel.

argh. why why why does she make me so mad? why did i let
myself get to the point where i care enough to GET mad?
see if i had kept some degree of distance, it could have
stayed fun. this is getting to be less and less fun and it
pisses me off. and claudia will do me no good in trying to
stay focused. she is so over this and she wont even give
me neutral advice... "Fuck her" and thats it. i guess she
witnessed just how upset i've been, and just how wrong some
of the things she's said were. i dont have the fucking
patience for a relationship. you know, theres not a whole
lot of things se could have said to hurt me any more..
after him, i tried so many times to make shit work with people and i
ucked up or pulled away so many times, and the fact that ive cared
enough this time to accept shit and make it this far... arrrghh.
whatever, today i was just getting real irritated with work, and i
just told her last night "i always leave right away, i hate hanging
around there.." so of COURSE, tonight she comes out with that
Gigantic Bitch, after i've been standing there for 10 minutes
waiting, says "hey i'll meet you at the car" and walks off with
Massive to HER car. Coleisha's like "Oh HELL no." and i was like no
shit man. it was okay cus denaro walked me, hes a real sweetie... he
grabbed me today when i was talking to sheila and he pulled my jacket
off by accident and he got all embarrassed it was cute and then i was
teasing him... not quite my cup of tea but its all in good fun...
anyway but i was SO pissed i was shaking on the way home. i know she
claims to be so bad at the whole relationship thing and all, but HOW
THE FUCK is she such a social people person when she cant even act
like a girlfriend... and i would think it'd be pretty obvious that
you dont walk by your girlfriend to walk some other Cunt to HER car,
especially when the night before, you're all talking to OtherCunt
about "oh thats not how i mark my territory." IM STANDING RIGHT HERE
BITCH. jesus i cant do this much more, i really dont think shes
putting any effort into it at all. i asked brent what he thought of
her and hes like "she seems like a good person, if a little
contradictory" and then hes like "she doesnt seem like what you are
looking for" and i was like fuck you, how? and hes like "she just
seems so indifferent to you, careless, and uninterested. she seems
like shes just amused by your affection, not really interested in
YOU." grrr.. he said a lot and it made me think and made me sad.


people left me messages=)woohoo. i love that. im soo fucking tired.
my english teacher was talking to me about New College. it sounds
great but im not so sure i want to go back to sarasota now... to be
with my Sam maybe... but i wont MEET anyone there... i would
definetely want to go somewhere big and new and different to MEET
some NEW people.. these people have for the most part gotten real old
to me. and carolines allfucking talking about going to california
after this semester, which if im correct is in a couple months so
that is interesting, how about she tells me now so i dont waste my
fucking time thinking something of nothing of someone who has an
overwhelming desire to up and leave "bye!" jesus christ. i just
feel like im just another person, one of the masses,im nothing
special or important to her.. i cant deal well with that...

i dont understand people. they make me want to cry. things are
getting to be cool with matt... the weak part of me is relieved and
comfortably habitually happy with that idea, the strong part
is fighting it with all its might. i know better than to let him
mean so much to me, and certainly than to put him first ever again,
but i still cant feel nothing... i still miss the closeness we
finally had last year and this summer after the breaking up shit was
all over... and like, he knows me so well and i know he uses that to
his advantage but its still nice, comfortable..
whatever.. i miss ashley. I LOVE YOU BABY. I MISS YOU =(
well im guna get to bed ive been sooo tired and its only making me

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