Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-01-16 02:55:57 (UTC)

No Title Can Justify Whats In My Heart

Feverish Cries.. Haunting Cries In The Air.. Stubbern
Memories That Wish Not To Part.. This Ticking In My Mind..
Seconds.. Minutes.. Hours.. Madness, The Outsider Might Say,
But I Know The Truth Of The Human Heart.. Such Ailments,
Once Misdiagnosed As Psychosis, Now Become The Calling Card
To A Much Darker Fate.. Suicide.

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This entry should be kept private and thrust into my file of
"psychotic ramblings", but in the absence of my laptop and
my sence of responsibility.. Fuck It. Read on if you wish
but be warned.. I have nothing pleasant to say..

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Depending on others is a curse. A lie that gives you a false
sence of security, wich in the end may prove to be fatal.
For no one is ever there when you truly need them...

In the past year and a half I have gone through some bad
spells of depression, complete with its little gifts of
suicidal thoughts and addiction to self injury. Although
these yearnings for death can go on for months at a time,
there have been a couple of incidents where I truly needed
someone to be there for me, but no one was. Well, the first
time was back in Gunnison and mark and Nessa were there for
me. Mark stopped me from overdosing..What a saint.. note the
sarcasm..

The second major time I found out that the friends I thought
I had were illusions. That was in January. They pretended to
care but when I came to them for serious help, most turned
their backs on me and told me to deal with it on my own and
one of them actually tried to sleep with me, betraying my
trust.

The third major time was back in october. I wrote a letter
describing how i was feeling. It was almost a suicide note..
Sadly, the letter is on my phantom piece of shit laptop so I
cannot access it but I do remember one particular quote that
stuck out.

"Do any of you know what it is like to have a blade to your
left wrist, trying to think of just one person you could
call. Just one person who might give a damn if you live or
die, then realize there isnt anyone who cares because all of
your friends abandonned you."

That is how I felt this weekend though this time I wasnt
abandonned by my "friends", I abandonned them.. I let
everyone down and now Im paying for it..

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After writing that, I feel a little bit better. The inner
fire has burned out for now. Thats almost what this
depression feels like.. A fire of emotions circling through
every fragement of my body. Alot of this comes from all the
built up anger inside me that i just cant release. I am not
able to rant and rave and throw things. Thats not the kind
of person I am. Instead I hold in all of this anger,
frustration, pain until it bursts out. I know this isnt
healthy but I cant change how i am. I dont need a therapist,
I need a good quality punching bag...

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Cutting Status:

The urge pulses through me, filling my mind. But yet I do
not hurt myself. I finger the blade and twirl it between
thumb and forefinger but it does not touch my wrist. I need
it. I want it. I hate myself and others for not allowing it.
I feel so empty sometimes and I need to feel that sweet
pain. I need to know im alive.

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I think part of my problem is i have writers block so I
cannot express my emotions in the form of poetry. So the
madness which would normally be released is staying locked
inside, feeding on my soul. This writers block comes from
the absence of my laptop. i know that sounds strange but i
go through phases.. Sometimes I can only write on blank
pages with a pensil. Sometimes i can only write on my
laptop. I am stuck in the laptop phase right now. I try to
wirte but I cant. The ideas are in my head but thwy wont
come out...