SinisterKisses

Sanity is overated
2002-01-15 21:02:46 (UTC)

Sleep

I don't know what it is, but for 2 days now all I can
seem to do is sleep. I'm awake for all of about 4 hrs
before I am overcome by the overwhelming need to take a
nap. Good thing I'm off from work. Has to all be stress
related, my mind just can't seem to stay off of bad
subjects for very long so it's easier just to lay down and
slowly nod off in to nothingness. Or maybe I am just super
tired and my predilection to be overly happy with my angst
is getting the best of me.
Well, I figured since I am posting this diary online,
maybe I should fill in some of my background for anyone who
might actually read this. I'm a 27 yr old white female.
Just starting out that way always seems so simple, but of
course, it has to become more complicated. I'm also a
woman of size (I'm fat :) and bisexual. Believe it or not,
the bisexuality is a lot more accepted than being fat is.
For most straight men the mention of being bisexual isn't a
bad thing, rather the slimmest most minor possibility in
their minds that a threesome is possible. Not the case,
but that's another story. Being fat is a constant struggle
personally and socially. I have a firm grasp on who I am
and although I would like to be of a smaller size, I don't
think it really hinders me in anyway, unless I allow it
to. It is hard everyday though, because at anytime I am a
target. There have been days where I have been doing
nothing other than walking down the street and a car of
(typically) white young men will drive by and feel the need
to try and impress one another by screaming "Fat Bitch" or
something similar out the window at me. And, even though I
do have a firm grasp on me, it's really hard to not feel
hurt everytime it happens. It's the constant reminder that
regardless of how good a person I am, how much I try and do
the right thing, regardless of anything I will never be
completely accepted because of something so small as the
size of person I am. Give me a fucking break is all I have
to say about that one.
My weight has made me an amazingly strong person in
hindsight and I am almost to the point of being able to
honestly say that if I had the chance to relive my life as
a smaller thinner person, I don't think I would change it.
As painful as some points of it has been, my life has made
me see how people truly are and it has forced me to NEVER
succumb to anything less than what I want. I'm also
fortunate to be the size I am. Heh, bet you've no idea
what the hell I'm talking about now do you? Even though I
am a large woman, I have a figure. I know that reads
funny, but it's true. A lot of larger people have an apple
or pear shaped body. I have a hour-glass figure, it's just
a lot wider than most hour glasses :) It does help though
in feeling more "normal" and being able to somewhat fit
into society more simply. Do I want to be part of that
society is much more the issue though.
I never came out as being bisexual to my mother until
I was 23. There was never really any need to delve into
the subject, so I just thought it best not to go there. In
the long run I ended coming out to my mother solely just to
hurt her because I knew it wouldn't be something she would
approve of. It came up once and only once and since then
there hasn't even been the slightest mention that it was
ever said. I'm willing to deal with this if she is, but
should the situation arrive where I am involved with a
member of the same sex, she's the one who is going to have
to come to terms with it, because I laid it on the table
once and it was chosen to be ignored. I know this seems
harsh, but the history between my mother and I in
situations like this has always been stressed. Generally,
I try to solve the problem and help her try to understand
my point, but I'm met with stubbornness and ignorance to
the degree where it just becomes not worth it. And
overall, that's a shame because that means there will
always be walls between us. Sort of sad, but such is life
I guess.
That's all I have time to get into for now. I hope if
anyone is reading this that I don't just come off like a
rambling idiot. I really need to work through some things
in my life and journaling has always helped for me and if
this can help someone else, all the better.




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