thouhgts of Sam
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2002-01-15 16:44:44 (UTC)

Not Sure....

I'm not sure what to say, I am here in math models and I am
bored as all hell. It has been a while since I have written
a real entry, but I think it's going to be a longer time.
But I feel I have things I want to say but I dont know how
to say them. Here is the situation, now I dont know who is
going to read this and frankly I guess it doenst matter
cause this is only how I feel right now at this very
instince and things can change in a matter of seconds. But
here I go, Joselin and I broke up I mean I dont know if I
have said it or not but we did. I just needed to get that
out first, I still have been unable to come to grips with
this fact, it is so hard for me. Somehow we are ok, for the
most part. I havent shut her out at all and I am starting
to get scared. And the reason I am scared is because my
heart still belongs to her. I dont know how to tell her
that. And frankly I am scared to tell her. I dont want her
to worry about me, but everytime I am near her I want to
hold her and just touch her. And then when she is not near
me I think of the way she smells and the way her hair feels.
It's kind of sad on my part cause I feel like I am the only
one who is holding on. And I feel like I am going to get
hurt, by my own doing. I am so confused, and scared. I
dont reallly know what to do. I cant stop thinking about
her. Everytime I try to justify the reason we broke up I
find some flaw, but I cant conveny it cause I mean I dont
know how she feels, I am the one who is curious about it. I
know she only wants to be friends, god I hate having to use
that word because we are so much more than that. But I
still dont see her as only a friend. I am trying so hard
but I dont seem to be able to do it. I dont know I am
really scared because of where these feelings are coming
from. I know it's really hard to understand that last
statement but I cant really explain it any better than, I
know what I feel but I just cant, cant tell her. I am not
worth anymore pain on her part, I'm not. I'm not worth the
pain she has already gone thorough. I dont know what to do
I miss her, and I know ow I feel, truely in my heart. I'm
done with this for now, it hurts too much right now, and I
cant do this I'm in class.

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