Little Bird

Private Babbling
2002-01-15 16:32:37 (UTC)

Prolog to I’m So Stupid:

Thanks for telling me how stupid I am. I really appreciated
it. I mean, I already knew I was stupid but geeze, your e-
mail(s) made me feel like being even more stupid and
starving myself as punishment. Too bad I’m not a cutter. I
could have been lying in a pool of blood.

For those of you who only read yesterday’s post, you know
nothing about me. I’m sorry that you know nothing of my
lifestyle and you know nothing about the man I am sulking
over.

I really care for him. I don’t know if I love him. There
are aspects of him that are less evolved than they could
be. He is a bit childish and stubborn but he does have
qualities that I could work with. I don’t even know if I
want to work with him right now. He may spend the rest of
his days in jail. I never thought I would stand by someone
who is/was in jail.
I am having a serious moral conflict here!

I was involved with a man who was his age when I was the
same age as the girl he supposedly raped. I know what it’s
like to be star struck by someone who has accomplished so
many thing, who has actually lived. When I was 15 I didn’t
see anything wrong with dating a 32-year-old man. I had
been through abuse, drug, verbal, physical, sexual, I
thought I had lived. You don’t know until you ‘grow up’
what living really is. You don’t know that there is more to
life than school and what boy you have a crush on, etc and
so on.
You really have to grow up to know how stressful some
things can be and how beautiful others can be. There is
more to life than just surviving. I think that’s how I made
it through childhood. I survived. Well, I didn’t have to
survive. I could have copped out or I could have made the
choice to really live. I thought I had made the choice to
live by being with men much older than I but now I know. I
am the only one who can make me happy. How cliché! How True!

What would make me happy now? Being alone come to mind but
at the same time being alone is so, well, lonely. Then
again, being with someone you can’t trust, love, adore,
admire or claim as your own is lonely too.

I just don’t know what to do. Perhaps I will do nothing.
Perhaps I will make more out of matters than I should.

If the Iowa girl e-mail’s me again I may have to start
playing hardball. Oh yeah, she is his ex. She thinks I
should not love him. She doesn’t know thing one about me.
What right does she have to tell me what to do, who I am or
who he is for that matter? She says not to love him because
he’s a cheat. She didn’t seem to care that he is in jail
for rape. How odd!


Back to my other world now, Gentle Reader.




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