i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
2002-01-15 09:02:14 (UTC)

one night stands and the morning after

I am a pathetic loser.
I figured I should start off this entry saying something
true. Well, if not true, then at least real. If that makes
any sense...
I was sitting in my bed late at night, thinking, and
writing random things in my head like I always do, and I
realized that I have never been kissed sober. Never. And
it's not like I've only been kissed (or anything like that)
once or twice. Oh no, it's worse than that. I have been
kissed many times, but always, always ALWAYS when I'm
drunk, or if not drunk, then at least buzzed. Never sober.
Does that make me an alcoholic? I sure as hell hope not. I
feel like I'm missing out on something. Something fantastic
and magical maybe. Or maybe just something boring and
ordinary. Maybe being sober just takes all the fun and
adventure out of it. Will I ever know?

I guess that leads me up to my next semi-random thought in
a way. I hate one night stands. This has been in the back
of my mind since I went to my friends party and (surprise,
surprise) got a 'little' wasted and hooked up with some guy
there. (Yes, I do know his name) And I hate it. I despise
myself for making an idiot out of myself. It really bothers
me...I try to be the type who doesn't get emotionally
attatched at all, and then I find out that that's not
really me. In a way it is, but not really. It's not the
fact that I feel like a slut or anything like that...I just
feel so...alone. No, not alone...Worthless. Insignificant.
And it's really crazy, but I think about this guy, and I
hardly know him. I think about him, and I wish that we
could have had some sort of 'knowing' relationship before
randomly hooking up. I only know a few random details about
this guy....name, job, those kind of unimportant
details...and I honestly do like him. I know he's a good
person...and I sporadically envision this perfect life with
me and him. Is that crazy or what? Jeez, I want a
boyfriend. And that would be why I can't handle one night
stands. I just get too damn emotionally attatched to
people.