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2002-01-15 07:18:31 (UTC)

no drugs and sex

obviously sex has a nice big space in my brain. maybe not
SEX, literally, but this fantasy thing, and i wonder if it
has anything to do with my imability to properly pursue
romantic/sexual interests.
lately ive been feeling like i want to break the no hook up
thing. just ONCE. i want to KISS. i dont want any
relationship bullshit this urge is not about that. i have a
list consisting of a whopping two people that i would hook
up with if given the chance to. realistically i dont think
anything will actually happen with either of them, because
i just dont have it in me to "send the vibes" or put in any
effort, and honestly, i just dont think i CAN do it right
now, open up like that, cause even if its just kissing,
theres a part of you that needs to be open to it. and i
think i am shut tight. im not trying to be like this, its
just how i am right now. funny because i feel like i am in
HEAT. i masturbated three times today, and ill get to it
again before i got to sleep. now thats alot of
fantasizing. its been one of my favorite things to do
lately. come up with all different scenarios. most of the
time i dont even wanna get off. i just like the PROCESS of
getting off.

anyway i guess when i think, it is always with zeal,
im happy that i am thinking the same way as i did in
florence. im happy my head stretched to a reasonable and
encompassing size. happy i see things the way i do. i like
the world from this view. i feel like i see a whole lot
more realness and maybe, like dreaming, the
fantacies are very not real, full of magic, full of torture
and pain i probably wouldnt be able to take if i was really
splayed out and tied down on a table.
the other night i had a twenty minute orgasm. i dont know
how long it really lasted, but i was kinda asleep, kinda
dreaming, kinda awake, i dont remember the detail just the
physical feeling of an orgasm for an EXTENDED amount of
time. again, if i was awake, i think id feel like i was
going crazy if i had an orgasm for twenty minutes. but
because i was in that sleeping state, it wasnt tortourous.
it was beautiful. endless, my every sense was filled, there
was no sound in my room or body to touch and the room was
dark and my eyes were closed and i saw every color and all
white and all black and flashes of flesh and i heard
symphonies, not real ones, not real sound, just the steady
boom of not being able to hear anything else. every inch of
my skin was pulsing with its own orgasms, i could have been
in the middle of ten men, my skin pressing against all
differnt kinds of skin, the entire world being this orgasm,
in this place, in this feeling.
ive been going into this state alot, i dont know what it
is, this sleeping. but non sleeping thing, i guess it could
be some kinda meditative state? where i see like how you
see in dreams, where things happening are so realbut i know
where i am, and it doesnt scare me. it happens on all
levels, at differnt parts of the day, and i giess this time
i was more into it, almost to the pointof sleeping, that
somehow came about while i was in the middle of takin care
of myself down there.
anyway i dont mind.
altered non drug induced states are fun.