This is me and how my life goes.
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2001-04-15 09:00:12 (UTC)

Rape: No man wants a tainted woman

Dear Journal,
I don't know excatly why i'm doing this. Typing on the web
for everyone to see. It doesn't really bother me that much
because if anyone does ever read this or see it, they don't
know who I am. Anyway a lot has been going on in my life
right now. The weekend after Valentines day I was raped.
It's a lot easier to write about it then it is to talk
about. So where should I begin. I had been seeing Josh for
about a month when he broke up with me because, he just
couldn't make the commitment I was asking for, or some shit
like that. He pulled that "I still love you." Crap so he
could make himself feel better and to try and help me cope,
but it didn't help at all. I guess when I met David a week
later I was sort of on the rebound. I really didn't want a
boyfriend because I really loved Josh and I hadn't gotten
over him, but I wanted to prove to him and to myself that I
had so I started seeing David. He was 23 going on 24. Kind
of old for me considereing I really just started dating. My
mom said it was ok just as long as she met him, and I
didn't realize it then until now how much David avoided
meeting her. I lied to her about him and why he couldn't
meet my family and what not. The weekend of Valentines day
I had to lie to my mom and tell her I was hanging out with
Some friends so I could go with David to a so called party
at a friends house. When i got there, his friend was the
only one there, and soon enough he left. David made
advances toward me and I kind of resisted him because I
wasn't really comfortable. David knew i was a Virgin and he
said he respected that but i guess after a while he grew
fustrated. When he first started to rape me and I was
struggling with him, I was screaming and crying and pretty
much going crazy. He hit me. It shocked the hell out of me.
My parents have spanked me, but never have my parents or
any friends of mine ever hit me out of anger. I didn't know
what to do. I didn't fight him much after that because of
fear. I continued to cry and he continued to rape me. Get
this after he was finished he tells me, "It's going to be
all right." He didn't think he'd done anything. And at the
time I told myself he didn't either. I kept telling myself,
I deserved it, that's what I get for lying to my parents. I
still blame myself for a lot of what went down that night
but I still don't understand, why he doesn't think what he
did was wrong. I mean I was crying and practically begging
him to stop. How could he not see?? What hurts the most is
that my virginity meant so much to me. It was something I
was going to give to someone I loved, but it was taken from
me. Who's going to want me now like this?? I can't give a
man anything now. That's what hurts, is that... I know no
man is his right mind will ever want me.

That's enough for tonight.

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