my so called life
2002-01-15 00:01:03 (UTC)

History repeats itself


Ok.. here's the deal..
I get close to Ben, I get happy, I get attention, I get
messages, I get phonecalls, he gets scared, he gets the
fuck out of here and I GET SCREWED!!!!!!!

The last four days he's been acting distant and he doesn't
seem to care about me at all. Is this when I should stop
whining and get some action? Take control?
I dunno, I'm a coward, you know.. don't forget that.
I got a message yesterday. I was watching this movie with
my dad, so I didn't check my phone. When the movie ended,
it was an hour and a half since he sent it. He wanted to
know the url to Paul's homepage so that he could see the
pictures from new year's eve. I brought my digital camera
and I sent the pictures to Paul. He posted them at his
homepage without even asking.. And the topic was Cathrine?
That wasn't so cool.. LEAVE ME ALONE
Well, anyway.
I sent him a message with the url, but it was late and he
was probably sleeping. Today there was this education fair
at school. I ran into him and he was just stupid. He didn't
look so good. Maybe there's something wrong with him.. I
dunno. Maybe his love for me is just killing him. HAHAHA In
my dreams. When he said hello, he was pretty cheerful and
then he asked if we'd been there long and stuff. I told him
something about our physics homework, the teacher told me
to tell everyone. He was just like ok and then he
said 'I've gotta keep up with the rest of my class, they've
got my jacket', and left. BLAH. He's always chasing the
girls in his class. They're BIMBOS. Especially this one
girl,Suzie.. she's got these gorgeous curls.. ah, I hate
her so much because she's so goddamn pretty and she sits
next to him in class. YEAH, I'M JEALOUS, BUT AT LEAST I'M
Well, yeah, she's very pretty.. and she's always giggling!
Ahh, it gets on my nerves! She seems REALLY stupid, I bet
her IQ is like 5,3 or something. BLAAAAH.. I'm sucha
loser.. :( She's like small and skinny with perfect skin
and bimbo-clothes. A few months ago she smashed the side of
her car.. It wasn't like she could get hurt or anything,
she just made a huge bump in her own car and this other
girl's car. HAHAHA!! I'm mean.. I really am.. HAHA :D
Whenever someone says something bad about her (my friend
Ally had this boyfriend some months ago.. Suzie is his ex,
and it seems she's still in love with him. So Ally didn't
like her much and Lucy, Tiff, Geri, and I have never liked
her, so I guess we talked some shit about her.. oops :P)
Ben's always defending her. It drives me crazy!! BLAH
But if she's in love with this guy, she's at least not in
love with Ben. Not that I think she is even if she's over
this guy, but you know.. gah..
I've never been this jealous before.. I suck :(

Ok, well, I got off track as usual.. He wanted the url to Paul's
hompage. He got online a few hours ago and wanted it again. I gave
him the url, but the page was down.. Probably because Paul's mad at
me.. He like deleted the whole shit: FUCK YOU CATHRINE YOU SUCK I
Hehe.. I know, I'm a psycho..:)
But he's cross with me and he hates Ben.. so maybe ;)
Well, I told Ben I could e.mail him some of the pictures. So I did.
He went offline before I was finished. That jerk. We talked for like
10 minutes and it wasn't interesting at all. BLAH
Well, I e.mailed him this cute picture of us together.. I sit with my
legs across his and we look cute =)
And a picture of me and this other guy where I look really happy..
haha, I'm sucha loser, trying to make him jealous.. :P

JESUS CHRIST (in whom I don't believe), why can't I sleep
like normal people? I stay up all night, fall alseep when I
get home from school and stay up all night again. Someone
should kick my ass and make go to bed. If my father tries
to tell me to go to bed, I freak tho.. So maybe not. I'm
such an easy person to please.. RIGHT.
Woha, I'm so filled with aggression.. I don't know what's
biting me.. Oh, I remember.. BOYS

You know.. tho I'm pissed at the moment, I've learned
something about love and how to stay alive when it sucks.
Some people try to convince themselves that they don't need
love and that guys/girls suck. Well, they do sometimes.
Most of the time actually. But you know what.. No one loves
nobody.. As pathetic and sad as it may sound, we need love.
We need to feel loved and we need to love others. If you
keep telling yourself that the only person that you can
trust is yourself and your own love is all the love you'll
ever need, you'll evantually crash. The loneliness that
you've been restraining will brake loose and I promise you,
that's no fun.
That last part was somewhat generally speaking.. Love like
you love your mum or dad or siblings or your dog or your
friends.. If you try to restrain the fact that you're in
love with someone special, it's different. You can manage
quite well, but you'll have to struggle. Sometimes it's
much easier to just face the facts; I'm in love, it's not
getting me anywhere, but right now I'm not capable of
getting over this person.. You know, just go with the
flow.. Sometimes that eases a lot of the pressure. But you
know, eventually you'll have to get over that person.. but
not before you're ready.. Uhm, am I making any sense here
or am I just talking bull? I dunno.. :)

I'll do some homework and try to get some sleep.. Yeah,

And I need you now somehow..
And I need you now somehow..