My Life (Condensed Version)
2002-01-14 22:50:11 (UTC)

Some Funny Stuff

ok i had this GREAT entry.... but i deleted it on
accident... so i'm gonna put this in instead lol. Found
these on a website and i thought they were HILARIOUS! have

It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man
to laugh at that man.

If you ever fall of the
Sears Tower, just go
real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a
dummy and people will
try to catch you because,
hey, free dummy.

If a kid asks where rain
comes from, I think a
cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he
asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell
him is "Probably because
of something you did."

To me, boxing is like
a ballet, except
there's no music, no
choreography, and the
dancers hit each other.

If trees could scream,
would we be so cavalier
about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed
all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog
on the Space Shuttle,
because if he sticks
his head out when you're
coming home his face
might burn up.

To me, clowns aren't
funny. In fact
they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this
started, and I think it goes
back to the time I went to
the circus and a clown
killed my dad.

Contrary to popular
belief, the most dangerous
animal is not the lion
or tiger or even
the elephant. The most
dangerous animal is a
shark riding on an elephant,
just trampling and
eating everything they see.

As we were driving,
we saw a sign that
said "Watch For
Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for
Pretty Rocks." I told her
she should write in her
suggestion to the highway
department, but she
started saying it was a
joke- just to get out of
writing a simple letter!
And I thought I was lazy!

As I bit into the
nectarine, it had a crisp
juiciness about
it that was very
pleasurable- until I realized
it wasn't a nectarine at
all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the
island of Kaui, I met a mysterious
old stranger. He said he was about
to die, and wanted to tell someone about
the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's
not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you
know. He started telling his story, about the treasure and
his life and all, and I though: "This story isn't too
long." But then, he kept going, and I started
thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then,
the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that
story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story
was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was
a little long, though.

Is there anything more
beautiful than a
beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front
of a beautiful sunset? And
he's carrying a beautiful
rose in his beak, and also
he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his
feet. And also, you're

I guess of all my uncles,
I liked Uncle Cave Man
the best. We called him
Uncle Cave Man because
he lived in a cave and
because sometimes he'd eat
one of us. Later on we
found out he was a bear.

Anytime I see
something screech
across a room and latch
onto someone's neck, and
the guy screams and tries
to get it off, I have to
laugh, because what is
that thing?!

If your a horse, and
someone gets on you,
and falls off, and then
gets right back on you, I
think you should buck
him off right away.

If you define cowardice
as running away at the
first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping
and begging for mercy,
then yes, Mister Brave Man,
I guess I am a coward.

I wish a robot would
get elected President.
That way, when he
came to town, we could
all take a shot at him
and not feel to bad.

He was a cowboy,
mister, and he loved
the land. He loved it
so much he made a
women out of dirt and
married her. But when he
kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral,
when the preacher
said "Dust to dust," some
people laughed, and the
cowboy shot them. At his
hanging, he told the
others, "I'll be waiting for
you in heaven... with a gun.

When the age of the
Viking's came to a
close, they must
have sensed it. Probably,
they gathered together one
evening, slapped each
other on the back and
said, "Hey, good job."

If you go parachuting,
and your parachute
doesn't open, and your
friends are all watching
you fall, I think a funny
gag would be to pretend
you were swimming.

Sometimes when I feel
like killing someone, I
do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go
over to the person's house
and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to
the door, I'm gone, but
you know what I've left
on the porch? A jack-o'-
lantern with a knife in
the side of it's head with a
note that says "You."
After that, I usually feel
a lot better, and no harm

I can still recall old
Mister Barnslow getting
out every morning and
nailing a fresh load of
tadpoles to that old board
of his. Then, he'd spin it
round and round, like a
wheel of fortune, and no
matter where it stopped
he'd yell out, "Tadpoles!
Tadpoles is a winner!"
We all thought he was
crazy. But then, we had
some growing up to do.

The face of a child can say
it all, especially the
mouth part of the face.

If I ever opened a
trampoline store, I don't
think I'd call it
Trampo-land, because
you might think it was a
store for tramps, which is
not the impression we are
trying to convey with our
store. On the other hand,
we would not prohibit
tramps from browsing, or
testing the trampolines,
unless a tramp's gyrations
seemed to be getting
out of control.

I wish I had a kryptonite
cross, because then you
could keep both Dracula
and Superman away

Too bad you can't just
grab a tree by the
very tip-top and bend
it clear over the ground
and then let her fly,
because I bet you'd be
amazed at all the stuff
that comes flying out.

Maybe in order to understand
mankind, we have to look at
the word itself. Mankind.
Basically, it's made up of two
separate words-- "mank" and
"ind." What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is

Children need encouragement.
so if a kid gets an answer right,
tell him it was a lucky guess.
That way, he develops a good,
lucky feeling.

If you ever drop your keys into a
river of molten lava, let 'em go,
because, man, they're gone.

I think a good novel would be
where a bunch of men on a ship
are looking for a whale. They
look and look, but you know
what? They never find him. And
you know why they never find
him? It doesn't say. The book
leaves it up to you, the reader,
to decide. Then, at the very end, there's
a page that you can lick and it
tastes like Kool-Aid.

It's easy to sit there and say
you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like
about it. It's easy. Just sitting
there, rocking back and forth,
wanting that money.

I think a good gift for the
President would be a chocolate
revolver. And since he's so busy,
you'd better run up and hand it to him real quick.