XhalfjapanesegirlX

and if i don't make it, know that i've loved you all along

"I walked around my good intentions
and found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
we hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
then a phone call made me realize
I'm wrong
If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
just like the sunny days that
we ignore because
we're all dumb & jaded
and I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong
I walked around my room
not thinking
just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
like somebody else
I never thought I would just
bend this way" (OLP- 4 a.m.)

hey. its been a couple days. i've been put on meds since
the last time we talked. i won't know if they work for at
least a couple days, possibly a month. i get kinda dizzy
everyonce and awhile, but other than that its not that bad.
yeah i don't have much to say. nothing has really changed
lately. just more lying to the parents about where i'm
really going and what i'm really doing. i'm trying to keep
my grades half-decent so i can appear like nothings wrong,
which is actually really difficult sometimes. i'm pretty
sure that most people don't know that i have a problem, so
thats the way i would like to keep it. i mean, sometimes
i'm quiet because thoughts are running through my head and
if they came out of my mouth i would be shot or worse,
found out. i'm so sick of this bullshit. i sit here saying
this because i wish i was the same as i was before all of
this. i liked myself and i liked who i was with and what
they thought of me. now i'm okay most of the time, but when
no ones looking i'm just staring off. hell, i throw up all
the time, and i have no idea why. i'm not sick, i just
throw up. thats probably why i can't really keep weight on.
i mean, i guess my alternative is not to eat at all, but i
don't want to do that either. right now its kinda like a
guessing game. who ever is with me thinks i ate before and
the other person thinks the opposite. that way no one
really knows that much. i'd like to keep it that way too.
well i have a lot of homework so i think i am going to go
try and do some before i sleep.

bitter and alone,

sarah/andy

OLP "clumsy"