Lost and Found
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2002-01-14 16:11:36 (UTC)

Angstie Angstie Angstie.

Seven years.

My lover of seven years has gone awol. Funny that
considering he is a military man.

Serves me right for getting involved with a military man.

No offence but they are all fucked.

Well they fuck you then they fuck off so there you go.

Only he didnt fuck off. He stuck around. Seven Years.

Long time to "love" a man.

A drunk.

An aggressive drunk.

A totally unavailable, emotionally absent, physically
absent (most of the time anyway) man.

Only of course now I am being tough. Sarcastic. Strong.

But how else do you handle it? How do you handle the fact
that you shared something for seven years and then he
leaves without saying goodbye. Just goes. I dont know what
to say. I have felt up i have felt down i have felt angry.
Now i just dont want it to end this way. Ending this way is
the only way it can end however. There was never gonna be a
happy ending. Me and my men.

I was never gonna take it all the way. I only ever wanted
to play. Now im not so sure. Ironic isnt it. The passions
spent whats left?

Angst. Regrets, Recriminations. Doubt. "what was it worth
anyway? Who cares? Move on? Deal. DEAL. Done Deal.

I never said 'I love you'. How trite. Will I ever forget?
Mmmm No. Do I want it to continue? I dont know. Do I think
I can make it continue? Yes probably. Can I deal with the
in the dark? maybe. Maybe not. Do I want to? I dont know.
Better best forgotten? maybe. Is this denial? I dont know.
Do I want to speak to him? Yes. What would I say? I want
you? Maybe. Really? Probably not. What is the point?

Was it real? Hell yes.

Funny little sailor boy. Big blue eyes. Greedy. Big strong
arms, sexy pout, my beer swilling lout. Grey Grey hair,
long lazy days, summer, hot, desire, meet you in bed, are
you still my friend? Seperate, you and I. when i see you im
spinning around coz its in your eyes and on a night like
this i wanna stay forever coz you make the days brighter
and my life a kylie song. Funny little sailor boy miss you
when you're gone.

Bad poetry. For you. Coz your not here and you're never
gonna know.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx always.

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