LooLoo

Self-inflicted Tragedy

I'll get to the tragedy in a moment. The tragedy is
complicated.

My weekend was fine. I stayed in, cleaned house. Went to
the grocery store and managed to spend more than my budget
even there... But I won't starve and can have meals that
fit in with my eating plan... I didn't run Friday or
Saturday, and then Sunday I just didn't feel like it. I
overslept today too, so unless I go home this afternoon and
really get into it, that will be 4 days. Bad girl (chiding
myself). I've got to get it together... I am not smoking,
so that is good. How long will it be until I don't mention
not smoking? How long does it take for my not smoking to
NOT occur to me? Until it is no longer worth mentioning to
me?

Family update: Thus far, my parents have let me know when
they were planning to do something together. (Remember,
they are dating.) This was the first weekend they had a
date and didn't let me know about it. My sis told me when
we were talking this weekend. It's freaking both of us out.
She started wondering out loud if they were going to make
out. Yuck. They kissed goodbye the last time I was around
both of them. I am 31 years old and perfectly happy living
in denial about any and all physical needs my parents may
have. Double yuck. I may be immature, but they are my
parents for pete's sake.

The tragedy: A guy I know, mid-30's, died this weekend from
a heart attack. It's an odd situation. His girlfriend/wife/
mother of his 2 kids works with me. I don't know her very
well and it's not like I was best friends with him. I just
knew him. But for the wrong reasons. I partied with him a
couple of times.

Man, this is getting complicated because it's pretty
intertwined.

R has a problem. She has done a lot of drugs (so have I, so
I am not judging that. I don't anymore, but can't really
judge anyone else. Each person has to recognize their own
limits.) Her specific problem is crack, a drug I have never
tried and would never want to try. If she stays clear of it
she is ok, but if she starts doing it, she can't stop. She
has been hospitalized for pneumonia stemming from this
before. I don't really know where she is coming from when
she starts doing it, because I have never had an addiction
quite like that. She apparently spent the entire weekend
smoking it. Nonstop. I know she was out of money by
Saturday because her boyfriend told me. He apparently gave
her $20 and told her to go get some more, and she left with
some guy they had been doing it with who he said had "lots"
of money. She never came back to the apartment. The
boyfriend said she was probably sleeping with the guy to
get him to buy her more.... This is all so trashy. Its'
making me want to cry. I wish I could've helped her.
Slapped her or held her down or soemthing. But she is 2
states away... and I can't make her stop anything.

Well, here is where the tie-in comes. She got a call in the
midst of her crack spree that this young guy had a heart
attack and died. WHILE SMOKING CRACK. So, while she was so
messed up, she could not stop. And found out that someone
she knew had died from it. This is when she called me and I
found out what was happening to her 2 states away. And
couldn't help.

And I am feeling all weird for other reasons. The guy who
died. We knew so many of the same people. A guy I used to
date had a good job. But it didn't bring him the money he
wanted. So he sold other things. I knew this. And just
ignored it for a long time. He used to sell to the guy who
died. Someone I was intimate with was part of the growing
beast that killed this guy. I didn't stay with him, but I
didn't do anything to stop him from selling that shit
either.

My friend, R, called late last night when she was coming
down. I knew it wasn't time to confront her. She would just
hang up. But, she was ready to confront herself. She had
called her brother to come over and just wanted to talk to
me until he got there. She wanted to check into a hospital.
Mental or rehab. I told her I thought that was a wonderful
idea. I so hope she gets better. She is a good person.

I feel like I am failing a lot of my friends. I don't want
to be involved in the life they can't seem to get away
from. And so, instead of being there when they need help, I
feel like I am running from them as quickly as I can. And
not looking back unless I have to. When they call, I am fun
and funny but I am not really involved. I would never go
visit R. Other people I run into and the whole time I am
asking "How are you? How have you been? What's been up?" I
can feel myself taking baby steps to put space between us.
And it's because I am afraid that if I get sucked back in,
I won't ever get free....