the wanderer

doo-hickey nonsense
2002-01-14 09:24:56 (UTC)

-pride triggering streak has ended-

Earlier this evening, I blew up

First off, I hadn't had a violent outburst, albeit
physical or verbal in probably a year, maybe year and a
half. You see, I'm one of those who'd act as a punching bag
(mostly verbal attacks though), throughout my entire life,
not necessarily something major on each account, but once
they piled, boy, part of me couldn't wait for an excuse to
vent. I've gone through many positive phases internally in
the past two years, to where I'd address each small
degrading aimed at me, whether it be simply letting the
person know in a calm fashion, that whatever they said/did
offended me or the person who was the target. Sometimes it
would be in sort of a cowardly fashion, by say, just simply
avoiding them as much as I could. Also, at times throughout
this very content period, I'd have a number of people in
which I felt very comfortable pouring my thought out before
them, but never in a negative way. Most ways were either in
the presence of tears, or almost in a matter of a
patient/therapist relationship. Also, having series of
positive events for me and my family and friends made it so
there wasn't any room for negativity.

I'm honestly trying to be a realist (this goes against my
whole thing of anti-labels, but hey, whattya gonna do). So
by truly putting myself in another one's shoes, I could see
that if I was my brother, I'd want to kill me, had my
treatment towards him for most of my life persisted. I could
see as well that the majority of the folks in my social life
who had thrown up such a tough front, were indeed very
fragile, resulting in the realization that the slightest
downgrade could put them into an emotional coma. So yeah,
people's feelings manipulated me, but I knew exactly how,
what was too much, and why they did effect me in the ways in
which they did. Due to this format of interacting, there was
no room to explode. I've always been a deep thinker, ya'
know, analyze things to death. So, I just simply can't say
to myself "hey, what are the odds of 'so and so' having a
really crappy day", cuz in all actuality, the odds are high.
Or what if they weren't having a bad day, but then I
unloaded on them, and then things started to pour down on
them. Not with all the things I've seen, all the rage, all
the anger, all the frustration, all the sorrow, all the
sadness I've felt, could I contribute to that.

So, with this embedded outlook on interacting, I've had a
nearly flawless 12-15 months worth of not having my
conscience beat me down 'til I cry each night, like it used
to. Matter of fact, a question that arose often during my
only two intimate relationships to date was "when was the
last time you cried." To tell you the truth, even with my
impeccable memory and all, I cannot say when the last time I
cried was. I did get pretty misty eyed while watching K-Pax
(it hit me on a personal level, in ways similar to Girl,
Interrupted), but that was a number of months ago, and I'm
not sure if that could even be talllied.

So what's with the relapse? Could it be that my body's
still getting used to not being on that pill spawned
by satan. Nah, cuz I'd on this pill for years, and eruptions
occurred many times prior to this streak. I don't know, but
actually, as I'm writing this, I realize that I'm not
getting the usual feeling of self-disgust that used to
encompass me following one of my lashings.

It all went down like this: My sister had been real bitchy
to me for say, the last 2 weeks. It had gotten pretty
annoying this evening, actions resembling that of my mother
who'd been seated right next to us while we were watching
movies. I just tolerated it, although adding defensive
remarks in the "get off my back" manner. My brother had
asked if I was going to join him and some old friends at my
old school, and his present one on Tuesday for their weekly
basketball hour. Then I'd started explaining how I hadn't
had Tuesday off of work for a while now, and I don't have
the coming up one off either. Then he'd offered to get me a
ride if I can make it there for any amount of time, via his
female friend. He made this offer, because she was spending
the day with him there to see what the environment was like,
since she had grown uncomfortable with her current high
school situation. Then my very insightful sister (huge hint
of sarcasm) jumps in claiming that my brother shouldn't
stray her away from her current high school since "she has a
better opportunity" for higher education should she stay
where she is now (my old high school and brother's current
one is a small populated alternative high school, however
enrolls very, very bright students who don't fit in at your
traditional high schools). Then I jumped in eager to defend
an establishment that has been described all over the
community using stereotypes, since I was part of the duo who
was holding the conversation initially, saying that she was
probably going to the University of Washington anyway via a
softball scholarship (she can still play for her old high
school should she attend this school), and that there are many
alumni of this young school who've moved on to educational
facilities beyond secondary school. Next was a remark that I
hope she'll be having nightmares about for weeks, heck,
hopefully months (not really, but I know she'll regret it),
and that is her proclamation that "you don't even have all
your homework done for your diploma."

That's when it happened...I fuckin' exploded In
ignorant phrases similar to "fuck off", "fuck you,
motherfucker", "fuckin' dumbass, you don't have room to
talk", "where's your diploma?" You see, she had gotten her
G.E.D. in her teens, thus taking care of her secondary
education. Now this is something I'd never looked down on
her for, let alone even mentioned to her, in any manner. Her
comments had only one direction for a response, and I
mercilessly fed it to her.

You see, the thing is, is that last spring, my very
understanding principal agreed to let me "walk", that is, at
graduation, with the understanding that I'd finish my
miniscule amount of credit left before they closed up shop
there at the school for the summer. Obviously I wasn't
handed a diploma on graduation night, but I was able to take
part in the celebration and recognition, which I'm very
thankful for. Enter Wade, the procrastinator.

What did I do, relaxed for the two weeks until my summer
job started. Once that started, my time was booked for about
45 hours a week, give or take a few, and with my spare time,
I enjoyed the goodies I purchased with my paychecks. Summer
job over. Although my mindset WAS on finishing up my credit,
with the my new drive being to get it done in time to still
have it read "2001", I'd sunken into a funk, but thankfully
not a gutter based depression bout, just a real lazy funk.
By the time my spirits were up, it was holiday season, as
well the start of my seasonl job (now permanent), so the
environment, when I was home, wasn't that of a productive
one. I don't know why I'm saying this, but I'm just trying
to get the fact that I AM working on it, and coincidentally
enough, I was finishing up the leftover math prior to her
arriving.

It's funny, that before I visited my old school last
Thursday, to catch up on old times with my second
mother/home ec teacher/counselor/mentor, and to let the
math teacher know that I'll be in soon to finalize
everything, I'd come up with a response, should anyone
inquire why I was still doing schoolwork there. The first
thing that popped into my head was the fact that people such
as the sister I've been talking about, or my cousins, or
friends, who've never gotten their high school diploma or
settled with a G.E.D. In light of this recollection, I was
to respond with something along the lines of "Hey, it's
better late then never." or "Getting this is a lot more than
a lot of people I know can say."

Though unintentionally, this will hopefully end up as a
realization that this is a bigger deal then she'd treated it
openly to date.

I almost went into an array of guilt-trip infecting
remarks bringing up events that she'd maybe forgotten about
prior to her statements (more like ignorant opinions), or
possibly had no clue of. Examples being the many times I've
tried to commit suicide prior to this alternative school
option entering the picture, and had I not ended up there,
she'd most likely be celebrating my birthday each year by
making visits to my grave. Or the fact that ending up there
led me to many, many endeavors that have helped mold me into
a much better human being than the one who'd struck terrible
fear into my younger brother, thanks to the good ole'
bully-cycle. I can't even mention things of this nature to
people, for fear they may feel the need treat me a certain
way based solely on the unfortunate past events and/or
circumstances. I'm a hypocrite in that I know it. I allow
myslef to be manipulated by others' feelings/emotions, but
will try to conceal the grounds on which others might to the
same for me.

Someday, I'll sort through all of the contradicting morals,
or ways of life I follow in my head, until there are no more
contradictions. 'Til then, guess I'll be playin' it by ear
as usual.




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