anafreak

Anorexic Mind
2002-01-14 03:45:43 (UTC)

Day One

Sunday Jan. 13, 2002
Hello. Today I decided to write this online journal just
because I don't give a flying fuck about the next three
years of my life. Highschool sucks and weighing 118 pounds
doesn't help much. Especially since I'm a short little
thing. Marshmallow.

I'm anorexic if you haven't figured that out already. Over
the last summer I lost about 35 pounds by starving. I was
fine at 98. I felt like I could stay there forever. It
was great. I felt clean, organized...new. Human. Then I
got down to 90 pounds and I looked rather 'skeletal' as my
mom says. So she took me to these stupid doctors in the
city and they put me into an eating program to 'treat' my
disease. I gained my weight back quickly. I became a
blimp. It was terrible. This is the worst I've ever
felt. I'm nothing now.

I finally got out of that program. Then I got a
psychologist and a psychiatrist who managed my meds. Last
time he threatened to send me to the insane asylem if I
didn't take my meds. My mom told him I had my bag packed
for when I ran away. So there goes that idea I guess.
He's such a freaking ass, I hate him! I hate his black
poofy couch, I hate his stupid 'anxiety and depression'
books, I hate everything about the bastard. But I really
blame my parents.

So basically, I'm pretty much fucked until I turn 18 and my
parents have no control over what I do. That doesn't mean
I'm going to go murder a bunch of people or rob banks or
anything. I'm just going to lose my weight again and
change who I am.

Is it really too much to ask? Do I have to wait three damn
years?

I know I'm not going to get better. It just never goes
away. Since the beginning of last summer, Ana has been a
great friend to me. She is the only thing that can make me
happy. She gives me the strength to carry on and the
spirit to live. I love her.

When I'm 18, I'm going to move out. I think I'll probably
just go to a community college. I don't know where I'll
move to - maybe LA, maybe Montana...anywhere. Maybe even
to another country. But then I'd have to become a citizen
or whatever and that would be a big pain in the ass. I'm
just not sure.

I don't have everything planned out. I don't like to be
that way. I like spontaneity (or whatever you call it).


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