2002-01-14 03:17:32 (UTC)

beautiful, wasted, surrounded by the world that made us.

I am not your American dream girl.

So today was also pretty shitty. It was better somehow.
last night i was up all night not being able to breathe i
made the bath as hot as it would go and laid in there until
it got cold, it was so horrible, and then i finally got to
sleep, then caroline called at 230 and i was too tired to
talk, then when i hung up i was pissed i was like why did i
fucking pick up, because earlier i was so angry i wouldnt
even pick up and i knew she would think she could just call
me later and have everything be fine, so i was pissed that
i picked up then i couldnt go back to sleep forever and i
couldnt breathe again and she had said to call her this
morning and i wasnt going to but claudia talked me into it
and it was just shitty and i hung up again cus i was so mad
she kept saying "whatever i dont care" and i finally
couldnt hear it one more time... then at claudias she was
online so i thought i would try to talk and work shit out
but it was just shitty she was all bitching about how i
talk to ashley about everything and i was like what the
fuck she understands me and you dont even try to and then
it got really bad and she told me i dont have the patience
to maintain a real relationship which REALLY couldnt
possibly have been a worse thing to say to me, fucking
after all the shit i've put up with from her and about her
all this time and all the shit ive done GIVING UP MATT
that to me? AGGHHH.
Then like, I called her to talk on the phone, and we're
talking, and then here comes David to her house, so shes
like "I'll call you back." OHHHHHHHH okay bitch yeah
fucking WHAT. i dont give a SHIT, i dont CARE WHAT the
fuck comes up, if im in the middle of a serious
conversation with my girlfriend, i dont CALL HER BACK
because of ANYTHING. and its been 7 fucking hours.
they've been installing her car stereo for 7 hours.
whatever. im guna go get soup brb
my mom was making comments. well if i lost 30 or 40 pounds
i think i would be kinda hot, then i would have even more
relationship problems with even more people even more often
so i will stay medium-chubby.
claudia cracks me up dude. for like 2 weeks shes been
trying to convince me to do this whole adam-richard thing
and the past 2 days she's turned it on HARDCORE. we took
richard soup today cus he was sick. i was like "i dont do
cute things" and shes like well im guna teach you then
people will do cute things for you. and shes all talking
about how shit will be when the 4 of us are dating and stuf
and how we should all move out together and have one
bedroom all ani and one all metallica. and all this shit.
you know. fucking. shes like you should hate her. you
should be soo done. yeah maybe i should. cus im afraid
this isnt guna GET better. shes like i dont know what you
want. well. i was EVERYTHING to ashley. and i was
EVERYTHING to matt. i think when i read back over old
notes and when we started talking again, that was why shit
was SO bad. like hes not that kind of person and so when
it fucked up it was especially bad for him. i talked to him
today. it pisses me off too, because when these things
happen i always go back to him and miss him even more and i
dont want to do that. sometimes i wonder if there will
ever be anyone like him to me. that is THAT intense and
that BIG... i really did believe in forever. fuck me.
aww jesus richard is so cute. hes like how are things
going cus i was talking to him earlier and i was like ugh
im getting used to fucking shit up, looks like thats what i
do best and hes like well stop getting used to it cus as
soon as i get better im guna pick you up and were guna
chill and everything will be all good, and you do a lot of
things better, like smile pretty=)
whats wrong with me? he is so GOOD he would never ever do
anything bad and i just have turned away every time. for
shit that doesnt work out. or maybe nothing will work out.
i just liked her so much. i mean i still do i just dont
know how much longer i can do this when she doesnt even
care enough to do anything. AGGGHHH.
i took all my change to albertsons and got $41. that was
exciting and we got our rent tickets today!! hehehe. to
jacksonville. it'll be lots of fun.
shes on her way over...
claudia and i were talking a lot today about how like time
is so fucked up. "its hard to keep up with time once its on
its way." FOR REAL. fucking matt and i broke up a year
and 2 months ago. what. we've been apart almost as long
as we were together. minus all the inbetween shit, still.
its been almost a year since i had sex with richard and all
that. WHAT. we are graduating in FOUR MONTHS. in 9
months, i'll be 19. NINETEEN. i cant DEAL with all this.

matt said we should go to valencia for the fall semester to
get our tech prep credits then transfer to ucf in spring.
cus falls full.

my moms guna order me some new ani stuf from the
catalogue. =)
richard is soo sweet to me. why???? every time he tries to
calm me down and tell me im not crazy i start crying. if
ANYONE in the WORLD should think im crazy its him! ugh.
im guna go clean and stuf.

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