bluff before i

my life, my world, my mind, my soul
2002-01-13 19:35:56 (UTC)

journals...

they don't make me feel good..they don't help..

jeremy..i don't want to hate him..i wish we never got
together though..if we didn't i wouldn't hurt as bad as i
do..i read his journal and he says he probably never loved
me..and now i think about that and there are things that
we've experianced together that i regret and will probably
always regret..

i hate the memories though..i don't to think about the
kisses..and the holding..i can't even think about the times
where we just acted as friends because those days i still
wanted to pull him close to kiss me..

he says he's used to being alone..i was used to it..i
thought i wouldn't have to be alone ever again after i met
him..but i was wrong..i get the feeling that God didn't
make people to be meant for eachother..and if he really
did, he didn't put anyone out there for me..

i'll always feel hurt and empty inside..it never went
away..it was always there..and no, jeremy didn't bring that
feeling back..i've just always been a sad person..

he said that he loves my personality..and he listed things
he likes about me..it doesn't mean that he loves me i
guess..but i know that soon he wont think of me as his
bestfriend..he told eileen that she was his bestfriend when
he was with her..then he told me..now he keeps saying that
i am..but he'll tell his next girlfriend the same thing..oh
God i don't even want to think about him and his next
girlfriend..

i always believed that love doesn't fade out..and it kills
to love someone who doesn't love you back..because you know
that you can never have the person..and you'll forever be
alone..and only have a friend..i never would have done the
things i've done with just a friend..

i hate life..i hate that God gave me life..i hate pain..why
did God make pain??..i hate to cry..but i can't stop..

i would have done anything for him..and i probably still
will because love will do anything..and i believe that i
still love him..and i know that i don't just love him as a
friend..it's more than that..i was doing something for him
that i thought he would love..a collage of radiohead..his
favorite band..i went out and baught a thick poster board
for it and then i was gonna make him a mix tape that i
finally found all the songs for..but i don't know if he
would want it..to remember me by..because i put love into
it..and i don't need him to hurt every time that he sees it
or listens to it..all i ever wanted for him was to be
happy..and i guess that he's happiest without me..

it's sad though..that he's used to being alone..and that's
where he'd rather be then to give a relationship a chance..

i hate being alone..i was always sad..and then i found him..
and i still felt a little empty..until the day i realized i
loved him..everyone saw a change in me..i was a little more
happier..

now i mope..