bluff before i

my life, my world, my mind, my soul
2002-01-13 16:41:34 (UTC)

whatever..

morning now..

i cried myself to sleep last night..now i feel like crap
and i don't know what to do with myself..it was the first
time in a really long time that tossed and turned in bed..
usually i'm a dead sleeper..not this time though..not this
time.

i love him..but you don't know how much i just want to hate
him right now..but i can't..it hurts me to hate him..it
hurts to think that he doesn't love me..i guess he deserves
better..

he told me that the next time we broke up(since this
already happend a little over a week ago)that it's over for
sure..no it's not over yet but i get the feeling that it is
going to be soon..i'm probably just making it worse by
doing this..by typing..by writing in my journal..

my friend bryce said that..you can't fall out of love, it's
just that you've gotten so used to it that it's gotten
stale..it's a weird example to think about..but i'd rather
think about that..

i'm heart broken..without being dumped yet..i don't know
what to do..with myself..the tears are hiding at the back
of my eyes..i get the feeling that they'll be here soon..

every time i break up with someone..or lets say get dumped
by someone..it makes it easier for me to hate the person..i
don't hate him now..i don't want to have to hate him..and
that's why i'm confused..everytime i've broken up with
someone we don't stay friends..if he breaks up with me, he
wants to stay friends..i can't do that just right away
though..it took me like a year and a half to become friends
again with my ex-boyfriends..and some i still have a hard
time being nice to..or talking to..

i just realized something..last night i told him that..he
would probably tell his next girlfriend that she was his
bestfriend..he told me..he might tell the next..

i thought we would go to new york..maybe we still would..
but i believed that we would go as a couple, not as friends.

we were too much alike..i thought we were soul mates..but i
guess not..

i guess i was meant to be alone..