AngeL w/o WinGs

-=-My So Called Life-=-
2002-01-13 16:08:15 (UTC)

My Disease

think i have some sort of ailment or disease. it affects
my heart and my emotions and my mind and affects other
people around me. its hard to explain, but i will try. of the most recent symptoms is joe m. its
like.......he loves me, and if i gave him a chance he would
come to me n be w/ me in a second, but i sorta tested those
waters already and i love him as a soulmate, maybe more
than a normal friend, but i couldnt go out w/ him and i
dont know why. maybe bc its joe, who knows. but anyways, i
always want him to find someone, and i even try to help
sometimes, u kno...hook him up w/ a girl or put in some
good words for him. but then.....wen it actually seems to
start happening, the strangest feeling comes over me, and i
dont want it to happen. its like, i am afraid i will lose
him in some way, and i dont want to and i get to scared n
panicked, and one of the last times(not last 2
before that) i mentioned it a lil how it was maybe a lil
weird for me, and in a heartbeat he dropped that girl,
broke her heart, and she was one of my friends and i had
extreme guilt, and yet i felt relieved.

so anyways, joe is at that stage now...where he is probably
going to go out w/ this girl, and me n her have been
talking and shes the sweetest girl in the world, so happy
and open minded. shes a junior, and shes really pretty.
so......but you see, now i am starting to feel that
feeling, like i am losing my joe. and its such a sad

this "disease" i speak of, acts in many ways other than
this, but in the end it screws w/ other peoples minds and
emotions and it hurts them in the end, and its like i cant
stop it.

wow me n phil actually had a normal convo together.
phil.....i remember, we used to talk about marisa n marisa
n more marisa for the longest time. and i was always there
for him to help him cope w/ the shyt she would put him thru
day after day. and then...slowly the convos were more about
a phil talking to shanen n shanen talking to phil, just
about talk stuff. and then it moved to phil loving shanen.
and shanen considered this, and considered the fact that if
i went out w/ him it would be a totally whipped bf, and itd
be easy, and he was nice......but then i realized i dont
like those kind of bfs, or atleast i wasnt in the mood.

sometimes i like the kind of guy that has a really strong
will. he has his own opinions about everything, and wont
conform to fit others peoples points of views. and
yet.....b/c of the "bond" between the two people, those
opinions and wills come together, and they make one person,
b/c each person completes the other..........and i dunno
its hard to explain. i'm just a hopeless romantic and a
sucker for a kiss i guess u could say.