poisoned darkness
2002-01-13 08:26:49 (UTC)

last night in D-town

so tomorrow morning i'm going to get up and go to church.
i actually want to go, and thats the scary part. i haven't
wanted to go to church since i was in rome. but i've spent
a good deal of break thinking about why the hell i'm
studying god if i won't speak to him. he's been doing alot
more talking to me than i expected. but its kewl, i miss
conversations with god. and i get to see sam there and say
good bye, and thats the good part. god too. go me.

then i'm going to pack. i haven't even started. and
theres alot of stuff that needs to go back with me.
i'd make a list, but that never helps. i've acomplished
maybe 3 things on the 15 item to do list i had for
vacation. yeah go me. i'm trying to be optimistic about
bob. but i don't know if i can. its like the relationship
is all there, but without the commitment on either part.
we can do whatever we please, but i'm starting to feel
guilty about SCC. damn catholic values, but then, we broke
up because of SCC.

i smell like smoke and i want a cigarette. but, holly and
christy only smoke light crap. i'd rahter one marborough
red, than 3 lights. i really want a pack of winstons. the
funky blended ones. yeah i'm weird. but atleast i'm not
smoking cloves anymore. thats a plus. but i shouldn't
start smoking again. bob didn't like it. and i never
smoked around him, or when i was in D-town, much atleast
since my parents disaprove. so smoking here is next to
impossible since the can smell me from across the house.

i wonder how he's interpreting things i say. i'm
incredibly candid with bob right now. even though i feel
no pressure to be, well probably because there is no
pressure. i miss him. someone kick me, please. PLEASE.
breaking up with me was the hardest thing to do. but we
were killing each other. so it had to happen. the world
of second chances is a strange one. at least the
bitterness has subsided. but i keep trying to hold onto it
so that there's still strength there when i wake up in the
morning and remember he's still gone.

i think i act out of spite sometimes. well, when i'm
angry, duck and cover. i'll throw anything and everything,
including my munitions case and my bible. (sorry about
that God)

sometimes i wonder if god laughs at me when he watches my
life. i would. i do. but i'm not the higher power, i'm
only god in the ficticious worlds i've created, and he is.

bob told me that i don't know who i am. that thats the
cause of a great deal of my self loathing and my psychotic
actions. the problem is, i know he's right, but i don't
know how to figure out who i am. or where to begin looking
for me.

i'm trying not to trip over my tongue while i talk to bob.
he said there's nothing to lose. but there is. i can
still lose him again. but i don't know how to tell him
that. i don't know how to say alot of things. but i will
and i do, eventually. even if it all comes out only in
poetry. i wrote a really beautiful poem called broken
soul, but its on my laptop in my bedroom, and i don't want
to wake my parents. for some reason i felt the need to be
curteous tonight. i don't know. i'm not going to ask.

enough for now. i need to sleep and shower. but i'll
probably be back tonight.

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