Lt.Shorty

Psychotic Rambles
Ad 2:
2002-01-12 18:59:17 (UTC)

oh god.

i dont know what to do. i'm so confused. i havent written
in a long time.
I told Garrett that i liked mike..well, :

Me:you remember the guy that used to call me a ho from
across the street?
Garrett:Yea, what about him?
Me:well he's been acting really strange lately...
Garrett:Everyone knows he likes you!
Me: no no, i was going to say that i like
HIM...wait ..WHAT?!
Garrett: oh shit, forget i ever said that!

and then he wouldnt tell me anything. then i wrote him a
note about why i like mike and about why i'm so terrified
to tell him that i like him, and about all the shit that i
did wrong so long ago.
i wish it was summer again. summer was the good times. up
until mid august. then it just went downhill from there. we
had so much fun. i want it back so bad. Missy you two
faced, wannabe, bimbo bitch from mars! do you know how much
you hurt me!?!
rorie wont write me back. rian wont understand i dont
think. i didnt "break up" with him for any other reason
than that i like(d) him too much to hurt him. i dont want
to get hurt, or hurt him. i couldnt bear the thought of
that. FUCK!
tiffany pissed me off on the bus:

Tiff: oh, you know what brain cajigal told me?
Me: what?
Tiff: that mike doesnt like you.
Me: so brian just walks up to you and says "mike doesnt
like stephanie"
Tiff: no, we were just talking about it.
Me: you know tiffany, you always get into peoples shit.
Tiff: what why?
Me: like with Nicki and nick, you knew that was bullshit.
Tiff: well i just repeat what people say. if they talk
about you i feel you should know.
Me:well you know, if you dont talk about PEOPLE what else
are you suposed to talk about..oh, look at the lovely shade
of gray on the sky today?

then she shut up. i've never even SEEN her talk to brian.
why in the hell would brian even know something like that.
and why would he say that to her unless she told him that i
liked mike? thats what pissed me off. i felt betrayed. i
dont care if mike doesnt like me. i dont understand why
someone would like me anyway. hell, its all about the
body. i'm not even particularly pretty.
i need someone to laugh with. i need to laugh. i love
laughing. i dont care about anything as long as i still
have the ability to laugh. if i laugh i live. i want to
have a boyfriend that'll call me up 5 in the morning
because he cant wait to hear my voice. i need someone whos
so happy to see me that he'll just pick me up and swing me
around and pull me laughing into his arms. i need an arm
around my waist/shoulder.i dont even care about kissing or
making out. i just need someone behind me, backing me up.
loving me. but what in the hell am i saying. i cant be
loved. i'm a horrible mean, unloving and unworty person.
i'm so terrified to tell mike. i mean what if he
thinks "omg, i dont even like her as a friend" or "shes
cool, but she would just cheat on me" or "she would just
hurt me"

Blink 182-First Date
In the car I just can't wait
to pick you up on our very first date
is it cool if I hold your hand?
is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?
do you like my stupid hair?
would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?
I'm just scared of what you think
you make me nervous so I really can't eat

Let's go
don't wait
this nights almost over
honest, let's make
this night last forever
forever and ever
let's make this last forever
forever and ever
let's make this last forever

When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
please don't look at me with those eyes
please don't hint that you're capable of lies
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
a target that I'm probably gonna miss

Let's go
don't wait
this nights almost over
honest, let's make
this night last forever
forever and ever
let's make this last forever
forever and ever
let's make this last forever

Let's go
don't wait
this nights almost over
honest, let's make
this night last forever
forever and ever
let's make this last forever
forever and ever
let's make this last forever
forever and ever
let's make this last forever
forever and ever
let's make this last forever

but theres the thing. it cant last forever. i cant bear
commitment. i dont want to be with someone and love them
for years and then have them just leave. and take my heart
with them. i cant bear teh thought of that. ::starts
sobbing, but not quite crying:: i cant fucking take this!
my mother that stupid fucking bitch that i hate beyond all
reason is just sitting there commiting suicide slowly and
painfully i cant stant looking at her. i cant stand the
sound of her voice. everything she does infuriates me. and
i cant concentrate in school. and i dont even have an
intact lovelife. katelyn and nick are on and off friends.
the only thing i have is dylan. i need to talk to him. i
havent talked to him in a long time.
oh gooodd...it hurts. so badly. i cant belive i had such a
good time and then it just faded away..that i was alive and
now i cant live for anything but dreams.

"Alive"

Everyday is a new day
I’m thankful for every breath I take
I won’t take it for granted
So I learn from my mistakes
It’s beyond my control, sometimes it’s best to let go
Whatever happens in this lifetime
So I trust in love
You have given me peace of mind
chorus:
I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

Sunshine upon my face
A new song for me to sing
Tell the world how I feel inside
Even though it might cost me everything
Now that I know this, so beyond, I can’t hold this
I can never turn my back away
Now that I’ve seen you
I can never look away

[chorus]

[bridge:]
Now that I know you (I could never turn my back away)
Now that I see you (I could never look away)
Now that I know you (I could never turn my back away)
Now that I see you (I believe no matter what they say)

[chorus x 2]

i'm grateful to be alive, but it hurts and right now i'm
freaking out and i need to sleep. i just want to sleep.
preferably forever, but no. i know there are people that
would be upset if i did that. well..i am making myself
believe that so i have some vague hope of surviving.


love
to the world
because no one loves me


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