The Shadow of Myself
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2002-01-12 07:06:23 (UTC)

all I've gotta take...

You know what kinda sucks.. being given a hard time from
your friends about something they see to be funny but that
you see to be a really sensitive subject. Ok here is the
thing. For basically as long as I can remember I've always
been really interested in guys. Well I'm sure thats not
much of a suprise if you know me.. but what I mean is just
that I seem to like a lot of them. For instance I'll like
somebody (or be interested by them) and then like 3 days
later I'll meet someone else who catches my eye and want to
go out with him. So I guess the people who are around me
all the time notice how much I like guys. Plus the fact
that I talk about them all the time. I don't deny that..
at all. My whole problem with this is that people assume
that b/c they have seen me interact they can predict that
no matter who I say I like that it's 'just another fling.'
So I feel like I can't ever tell them things that a guy
does that really makes me smile or whatever b/c they take
it the wrong way. Then I always end up getting a really
hard time for saying anything about any guy. It really
bothers me now b/c I'm trying so hard to change.. and I
think I have. However I'm not where I need to be. It just
seems like I'm not really getting any support and I would
love to have some. I guess no matter how hard I try to
explain to them how I feel.. and how I think... they're not
going to understand. And probably b/c I always make
something seem bigger than they actually are they'll always
think that I'm gonna be just the way I've always been.. or

Well.. I give up. I'm not going to defend myself anymore
when some cracks a joke about me and that situation.. or
says something. I don't know what they're trying to
accomplish by saying those things.. but who cares. I'm
obviously not going to win this one. I just hope that I'll
be able to change enough that I wouldn't have to tell
them.. they'd just see it in me. But this thing will
probably never leave me. I'll probably always be the girl
who likes every guy. I think thats really stupid. B/c all
I want.. is to have someone to love. I guess I just look
to hard. It's almost like I want to give every guy a
chance to be 'the one.' I don't want to look back and
think I missed out on something. Anyway.. that fight is
over. I'm just gonna have to take all kinds of crap from
people.. I'll just suck it up.

And on a almost not related topic.. I would have to say
that my true interest.. the huge key word there being
true.. would have to be in ONE guy. Yeah.. just one. That
doesn't mean that other things aren't going to happen or
that I won't see someone I find attractive. I just mean
that I would say that I only want this one. I want to get
to know him so much better. I just want to like hug him..
and just be there.. with him. I wanna talk forever about
nothing. I want to just sit around and just.. be with
him. I don't care what we do.. I just wanna do it
together. I'm just waiting though. I'm waiting to know
that it's ok to tell him. I don't want to mess anything
up. I don't want to go to fast. I don't want to be the
one he always wishes would have come around at a different
time. Instead I want to be the one he wants to be with..
and to get to know. I want to be the one he wants to share
things with. I want to be the one he wants to pray with
about problems he is having or joys that he has
encountered. I don't know why I feel this way. I don't
know at all how I ended up here. I'm looking at this head
on and I'm too scared to turn around but I know if I stay
where I'm at I could end up hurting myself. So I don't
know what I'm gonna do. How could I know? How could I
possibly know which way to go?

Sometimes when I think about him.. I get nervous. Like I'm
just laying in bed... and I close my eyes... and I can see
his face. I just want to be there. I want to just be that
one.. the one he wants...

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