Jena's Rants
2002-01-12 06:29:06 (UTC)

The hardest decision I've ever had to make...

I am in complete agony over what to do. See I have these
two paths laid out before me. They both seem promising,
yet they both are frightening. On one hand I can still
remain young and free and be all the things that young and
free people would expect of me. On the other I am required
to be selfless, caring, nuturing, and mature. This is
something that all others who have walked this path before
me would want to see done. I don't know if I can live with
myself either way. I am afraid to make any decision. I
can't seem to make anyone understand, nor can I make anyone
see. This is what it means to be utterly alone. No one
can decide for me, for once Jena has to make a decision on
her own. Ironically enough all of those that said not too
long a time ago that I needed to learn to make my own
decisions, are now tying to make those decisions for me.
I've become such a mess. I cry for no reason, or too many
reasons. I can't stop the thoughts from racing through my
head. I feel lost. I feel afraid. I feel terribly alone
and very pathetic. It's that kind of feeling where you
need someone, anyone to understand - but in that same
instant you just want to fade away completely. It's funny
how you think you've found a treasure, something that makes
the desire for anything else disappear. Sometimes though
glass appears to be a diamond. In times like these you get
to see people for who they really are, including yourself.
Sometimes you find out that you are a better person than
you could have imagined. You don't feel so horrible
anymore, so unforgivable and unlovable. During these times
you are also exposed to the people you thought would
realize this as well. Yet when you see it, the vision
seems to fade for them. I'm discovering the true nature of
love. It's rarely a lasting thing. Especially when you
are young. It's conditional. Most often it's greedy.
Perhaps that is not true love, I'm not sure. It seems to
be the only love I've received. You can't offer up
something if your heart isn't it. It's not real then, you
can feel the faking of it all. That is more painful than
the most outright truth. I'm not perfect, I'm a far cry.
I know though that any person I have ever loved has been
giving the very essence of me. I feel as if I have so
little left. Despite all of my wrongs, the one thing that
I have remained honest in is loving completely. I'm proud
of that. Things that make you proud are bittersweet. You
can only rejoice for so long. I can't sleep. Why would I
want to sleep? There's never a dream worth dreaming if you
can't make it real.