The Xdruggie Files
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2002-01-12 04:26:26 (UTC)


Long day at work, but i left at three to go see the shrink
at IOP (intensive outpatient). had a good talk with the
doc. she raised my dosage of my anti-depressants...and then
i fell into some kind of alternate reality...'cause she
told me my urine screening came back positive for
methamphetamines. she said no one was accusing me of
anything, but if i was using and lying about it that i
would use again and she urged me to bring it up in group.
Like i want to talk to my group about it. I didn't f*cking
use...but i feel like i have...which of course is enough
justification in my druggie mind to go out and use. I feel
like the little bit of trust and integrity that i was re-
establishing has all been blown to hell....and what sucks
is I DIDN'T USE. shrink said i had been down pretty far...i
might not make it back the next time. called B. and vented
with him. he wanted to do something, but i am too self-
absorbed and feeling sorry for myself to want to leave my
house. i guess i was kinda bitchy-i am sure i need to make
amends. i am just SICK of recovery and recovery people. it
is really getting old. so i watched a movie. it was called
all over the boy or something to that effect. it was
actually pretty good...kinda romantic gay/straight date
flick..i actually identified with the characters. but now i
am even more lonely than i was before...and horny.

did i mention i dyed my hair blue? why can't i get that damn lfo song
outta my head?