kerri

views of life
2002-01-12 03:23:20 (UTC)

starting day of of the record of the never ending hell hole known as Kerrigin's life...

today is friday january 11 2002.
Most people assume that although I may be a little strange,
I'm generally a happy person, and strong mentally. That

I'm blunt but honest.

No one hates me, but no one really likes me. their Lies
create an illusion that I'm not so meaningless as I know I
am. Although I hate the lies I live day by day, I
sometimes come to rely on them, rely on them to aid my
never ending search for an escape from loneliness that has
that has been cursed apaun me.

In a way, my entire existance is sad, everyone sees me and
doesn't REALLY see WHO I AM, I guess they don't want to
see. Because of this behaviour from people, I feel as if
I'm slipping away into a darkness, which no matter how Hard
I try, I can't escape from, and pray someone may come along
to pull me out.

Like everyother 15 year old girls out there, I crave a
romantic relationship, friendship, popularity, and have
highschool be the best experience of my life......
FAT CHANCE OF THAT EVER HAPPENING!!!!
I'm to screwed up for anyguy to be willing to try and put
up with me, and if there IS someone desperate enough, i
guarentee I'll mess that up, thus, making me destined to
die an Old Fat hag that owns too many dogs(I would say cats
but i'm a dog person), my friends for the most part are
back stabbing liars which take pleasure in seeing me fail,
and those back stabbers are the only people willing to put
up with me. and so far Highschool has been the biggest
trumatic experiance of my entire life.

But hey! what i know for a fact, life is only going to get
FAR worse than it is now.......

But I suppose that not everything in my life is so
horrible. There IS a love interest, not that anything will
come of it, it's an infatuation I suppose. His name will
remain unknown due to a numbiing fear that he may one day
stumble on this and that would cause further mental trauma,
therefore he will be refered to as....Dee.

I met him in music class, for the first month I never
actually thought much of him, never noticed him, untill the
guy beside started talking to him, and that ended up
getting me to notice and sometime talking to Dee.
As the weeks went by, i liked him more and more, savoring
every moment I was able to steal from him, knowing that
they were just stolen moments that would be the only be
memories of him.
It even became as bad as waiting in the morning on the
bleechers, just to watch him walk by to go to his lock(with
my back stabbing friend of course to make it not that
obviouse) but he always noticed me there, and gave me the
cutest smile/nod. that's what kept me comming back morning
after morning. no matter where I am I stare at him... i
think he knows i like him.... either that or i think there
is something weird about the way he looks and i'm just
staring at the problem.... which there is none....

some of those vack stabbing friends think that he may have
a crush on me too, because the other day I was out there
for the first time in a long while, and he was about to go
to the door that would result in not walking past me, but
looked up at me then made a slight alteration in course to
go into the door that was on the other side of the
bleechers, which ment he would have to walk by me.... and
he gave me his cute little smile waved, and said "Hi how
you doing".........it seemed a little fishy...... whenever
anything in life seems to be going my way..... something
always happens that will make me want to crawl in a hole a
die........

what joyous thing will happen to ruin what joy i have?


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