Something like life
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2002-01-12 00:56:23 (UTC)

Inherently evil

What if you find out what you're good at in life, but what
you're good at turns out to be evil? No, I'm not talking
about being a serial killer or anything, though that would
be ever so much more exciting. I'm just talking about being
good at selling stuff.

As I mentioned before, I got a job as a telemarketer. Today
was my second day on the job. My emotions are mixed. On one
hand, it's easy for me to get really excited about what I'm
doing, the money I'll be making, the compliments given to
me by my new boss, the knowledge that I was chosen from a
pool of 100 other applicants. On the other hand, I wonder
how long I can keep up the facade... you know, the whole
selling thing. My boss said that over time it'll just
become repetitious, and natural. I just can't shake the
feeling, though, that high-pressure selling is inherently

But what can I say? Evil gets all the money. At the minimum
I'll be raking in $1400 a month, which is more than I've
ever seen from any other jobs I've had. Plus I don't have
to wander aimlessly and beg customers to help them. I
initiate contact and I have control over what I do and who
I deal with. On my first day I sold over $400 worth of
register tape, and that translated to about an extra dollar
an hour. I can actually see my progress. It's great.

But this nagging little voice inside my head ... sort of
sick, and whispering... it says, "you can't do this. You'll
get burned out. You'll hate it there after awhile. You'll
burst into tears on the job. You'll embarrass yourself.
You'll get fired." And then another little voice chimes in,
the voice of my idealism: "You need to be doing something
that is of great importance, or of help to society." I am
trying to look at the big picture here. Long-term goals.
Like, "I'll keep this job for 5 years, then quit and do
something I really want to do." But that's too far in
advance. Maybe I should just think in terms of weekends.

For all my fear and doubt, when I actually get there and do
my thing it's not so bad at all. The people are great. Very
supportive, very laid-back. Everyone there exudes the kind
of confidence that I did on my interview, that I continue
to exude on the job. I guess I'm just afraid I'm fooling

And then I realize that that sick, whispering voice sounds
just like my mother. She sent me a letter today, through
the mail. It was an e-mail I'd purposely not responded to.
The basic gist was that she would rather see me as a career
couch potato sucking money from the government than see me
take a real job. I am not sure if she thinks I can't handle
a real job or what... well I admit I've never done anything
like this before, and my job record is hardly pristine, but
hey- I've never done anything like this before. I don't see
why my past has to come into play at all, except as one
long learning experience.

I don't know exactly why my mother would rather see me
helpless, but I would assume it's because she feels that
way and she feels that if I become independent, she will
not only "lose" me but she will feel inferior. Of course
she always feels inferior... that's why she spits hateful
guilt trips at everyone who defies her, that's why she has
beaten me down with her "good intentions" ever since
childhood. Her own life is out of control, it has been for
years, and she just assumes I am like her, or even less
able to handle things. She dredges up my past failures and
uses them as threats or warnings that I won't succeed. She
thinks she's doing this for my own good, but really she's
doing it to make herself feel more in control of my life
since she's not in control of her own. She's in complete
denial anyway... I feel from her that she still thinks of
me as a dependent child.

My mother is the embodiment of everything I fear becoming.
Someday when I am not afraid of her anymore, maybe I can
talk to her again. But for now I'm "maintaining radio
silence" so that I can get on with my life, and establish a
career and other goals.

This has been a very boring rant, and I apologize, anyone
who happens to be reading this. But like I said before, it
isn't my job to entertain you.

May the Force be with you till next time.

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