Christy

I can't do it

I hate life. I feel so sick from not being on my meds
anymore. I have an appointment on Monday but it seems so
far away because I feel so sick. My body is sore, I am
getting a headache, I feel nausiated, and I just want to
sleep.

Last night with Jess, is sparked a lot of feelings. Some of
my past and I just can't get that out of my head. I want to
touch her, to have her, but the minute she starts touching
me...it reminds me of Amy. I know Jess would never hurt me,
and I know that with my heart...but my mind can't stop but
think about Amy. Everything is different though. This is my
choice, what happens with us. With Amy I didn't get a
choice, and I didn't get a choice with either one of the
boys who violated my life.

I want Jess to come over afterschool. I want to curl up
with her and kiss her. I don't want anything more to happen
because of how I feel. I know us better than that though. I
know me better. Once she is there...my heart takes over and
I want her.

I tell myself I am not confused about her...that I love
her...but in all truth I think I am more confused now than
I was before. I just wish I knew what to say to her...what
to tell her to make her understand that maybe we shouldn't
be friends at all anymore. I dont' know if I could live a
day without her though. I don't know what I would do
without her anymore....