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2002-01-11 20:19:43 (UTC)

Another Big Mistake (Writen Last Night)

Alright I swear I get dumber and dumber by the minute. I
had so much fun tonight...but at the same time I can not
quit shaking with fear. Tonight I had Jess over to watch a
movie. I had actually intended to watch the movie...and I
did watch most of it. After the movie was over we were
laying there kissing and I told her to tell me to stop if I
hurt or scared her. I scared myself though...because I was
scared that I wouldn't stop if she asked me to. I wanted
her at that moment more than I have ever wanted her. I
started sucking on her finger, wanting her as far inside of
me as I could possible get her. I wanted to swallow her,
keep her inside of me...I wanted her to become a part of
me. The smell of her, and the way her skin and mouth
tasted...I just wanted to be with her for always. This is
Jess we are talking about. The big anti lesbien. Well
anyway I told her to tell me to stop...and I put my hand
lower...and lower. I asked her if I could touch her, she
said yes and there was no way in hell I was going to argue
with her on that. I put my finger inside of her and it had
to be one of the most incredible feelings ever. It was
soft, warm...and it was amazing. I was kissing her, and I
started kissing her tummy, I wanted so badly to taste
lower, but I couldn't. It felt so right to do it...but I
knew she had to go home soon and there was no way I could
do that to her and then have her just up and leave. I used
to think that eating a girl out was disgusting, but after
tonight, feeling her, I think it would be one of the most
extrodanary things ever. I was inside of her and she was
making the most quiet noises ever...and I just wanted her
to keep going. I didn't want to stop, not because I loved
the feel of it, but because the look on her face...the
sound she made everything better. She started
sucking on my ear tonight...and I could have died. I wanted
to go down, kiss every last inch of her flesh. I want to
taste her and I want to remember it for always and ever. I
want her for always and ever.

Jess...I dont' want you to do anything stupid because I
want to. I want you to do it because you want to...not in
order to keep me or to not hurt me...I want everything that
happens to be because you want to. I love you.

I have been overwhelmed with so many feelings lately. I
have felt nothing but fear of hurting her or ruining
everything between us. Everything I have been feeling,
everything that I think now...has to do with her. I have
become so obsessed with having her, and not loosing her. I
get jealous when she talks on the phone to someone
else...but yet when she doesn't talk to them...I get mad
because I don't want her to loose everyone because of me. I
am so happy that I have her...that I have found someone I
can love and trust and someone that after all this...I know
I wont loose. I have something...someone so great...that
even thinking about loosing hurts so bad. I want
to stay with her this weekend...but I dont' want anything
to happen...because then it gets to the point where every
time I see her...I will want her like that. At the same
time I don't want her to read this because I don't want her
to stop me. I used to be so confused about "what" I
was...but with her...I am only confused about what I am
going to be when I loose her. Right now I want
her...because she is the only thing I know for sure I am
not scared of confused about. I love her...and I can't ruin
that...not for anything in the world.

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