fucked up
2002-01-11 19:06:50 (UTC)


I went to the movies. I saw "a beutifull mind" It was a
great movie. I almost had a fucking panic attack. THat
was ...not scary it just pissed me off that i would react
that way to something so stupid to get upset by. it was
showing them giving a guy treatment. I amost had a panick
attack becuase i thought that they were giving him ect.
(electric charge therapy i think). My mom had it done to
her. After the "treatment" she didn't know where she was,
who she was, aor what was gonig on. She said that they
worked she just couldn't have them becuase she got so
worked up and scared to have another session she would
freak out and have to get sedated. After she got them she
also freaked out and had to be sadated. That bothers me.
I get scared about it. She still is a firm believer
that it works. They have no proof that it
person aqt a mental hospital was recieving them against
his will and the will of his family. he was recieving
them i think 3 times a week. (its been i while since
i've read this)on the 5th time he went into cardiac arest
and died. He isn't the only person who has died from it.
I did research on the subject cause someone said it was
still in use. When i read the stuff they said there were
a few remote places that would do it. that scared me. I
was scared as hell that they were going to do that when i
was in the hospital. that and a striegh jacket. or
however you spell that. I am extremely closterphobic. i
never did
. and i never had to be sedated. thank god. When i was
in there they had to do it to one guy like 5 times. It
made him worse if anything.
THere is a guy on here and i read his diary. Its kind of
wierd. He seems to have the same basic views that i do.
It is really wierd to have someone talk about something
and think that you are saying it. Mars is like that to.
Its even more fucking scary becasueshe was right in front
of me. I swear to god i thought i was having a
conversation with myself. (wich i do do from time to time)
damn it is so wierd though
sh'll say something and im just like...yea. The thing is
that i was afraid becasue i've had people tell me
something that i told them that i thought. That they
didn't really think before i told them i thought. I like
people agreeing with me. BUt i want people to have there
own fucking views also. i can't stand it when people
change to be friends with your or to be acepted. fuck
that. do whatever you want . if you want to change then
do it but dont do it becuase someon els wants you too. I
told that to eric when we first started going out . i
said that although ill bitch about how you act sometimes(i
bitch about everything ) but don't change it. you are you
and i love you so don't change. Its so wierd how
something that bothers you the most is what you miss the
heres a question: why do people do things to piss me
off??? am i really cute when im mad???? god i hate it when
people say that. it defeats the whole fucking perpose of
being mad and just make you more so. when im
mad...because someone calls me "woman" for instance...ill
get red and probably beat them midly. then they say "your
so cute when your mad"OMG i just want to take a fucking
knife to them. it is so anoying.

I was reading a cheerleaders entry. i ddin't know what to
think. it was so wierd. I know that they arn't
different. But they ARE!!!! its just crazy.. the things
they say. I wonder if they even realize how dumb they
sound. Its like the bumper sticker my mom has. "when
blondes have more fun, do they know it?" its such a great
question. hmmm i think im going to go and finish cleaning
my room. It anyone has aim my name is NellieGoddess.