kellykate

Life of a rockstar....NOT!
2002-01-11 05:55:40 (UTC)

tonight

wow....tonight....what can i say...not too much...it was
pretty good. Liz had about 10 people ova, and kara jo came
over, it was great. Becca is coming over in the morning,
were goin out to eat, and then zack said that he wanted to
do something, so its all gravy.
I think I have finally figured out what I'm going to be
doing for awhile though, I'm going to just take some time
off from everything, I mean like, just spend some more time
alone thinking, cuz I've been doing that yesterday and
today, and it even helps just to sit down here with the
music blasting yelling out the words. I'm in the middle of
trying to figure out who I am. I know that I can't be who I
used to be~ which is good and bad~ but I know that right
now a lot of the time I am not happy, but I am going to try
and change all of that. Hopefully it will all get sorted
through. I think with the whole zack thing, that if he
decides that he likes me again, even though I like him so
much, that's definately gunna have to wait awhile, cuz I
want to make sure that my life is stable without him before
I jump into anything. Cuz last time, ya, that was bad....I
realized that there are so many people who are worse off
than me, and that I am just going to be the best person
that I can be, by being there for my friends, even if it's
just to listen or cry with them, because I think that the
first step in helping myself get better, as dumb as it
sounds, is that I can't fix and change everything, there
isn't always an explanation. I always dig too deep into
things and try to figure it out, therefore becoming the
drama queen and making things bigger than they are. I CANT
SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM, OR MAKE EVERY ONE BETTER. Some of
them, I just have to wait and let them get better on their
own. I have been thinking about this all, and I think that
soon I will be back to being happy again, being the better
person, and then I will be able to get back into my school
work, hence help my grades, and be a better friend. Because
I have kind of slacked off in that department a little bit
too. But tonight, me and mandy officially worked everything
out, we are always going to be ther for each other, and i
apologized for everything I've done, even though I didn't
really do anything, but that will help too. And things with
Becca and Kara Jo are great, they are going very well. The
three of us just have this bond I think. But I know for
sure that becca is my best friend, and kara is right up
there too, I think that they are basically tied up. I love
them both, and everyone, even though sometimes I really
don't like julianne, I still love her because we have had
so many good times, and I think that part of having a good
life, is just dwelling on the good times, and not the bad,
not saying that you have to forget, because that I for one
cannot do that, but I will try and just not think about it.
I think that hopefully very soon i will be good again, and
I can't wait because I just want to be happy all the
time...and I've been thinking a lot about zack, and i know
that I do like him a lot, but it seems to me that right now
we are both having our own problems and stuff that we need
to deal with, henceforth, we should wait longer before
jumping back into a relationship, because I want it to
last, and if for some weird bizzare, hopefully doesnt
happen, but just in case it does, if when this all goes
down, I decide that I don't like him anymore(which I kinda
doubt), then I will just have to move on because I don't
want to do something that my heart wont be in on 100%,
which is the main reason why I will want to wait for right
now.
I think that the main reason I have decided that I need to
make the change now is because of his accident though,
because I mean, it could all end tomorrow, and I would have
so many things that needed to be dealt with and stuff, I
couldn't stand the thought of dying tomorrow. I'm not
scared of death, but I need to get everything in my life
sorted out so that I can be ready to die, but hopefully
that won't be for a really long time.

Wow, well kelly just rambled on there a little TOO much,
hopefully nobody thinks I'm stupid now, but if you do, I am
sorry, I hope you get over it..

Love you all and Godbless
Kel

P.S. Oh ya, and a few weeks ago at church, we had a
different priest, and one of the things that he said in his
homily was about being ready to go to Heaven..the one thing
that really reached out to me was this~

"You are not truly ready to go to Heaven, if when you got
there and saw somebody you didn't like, you would think,
they dont deserve to be here....."

One of the main great things about God is, he will forgive
you always, and always love you, so in order to live your
life to the fullest, you have to forgive people and love
everyone. You don't have to forget, but you do have to
FORGIVE.

I LOVE YOU!

And if this is Liz reading this~ you prolly think that I am
a retard, but I just want you to know that I love you and I
will always be here for you no matter what, and that as you
have read, I'm trying to get better, so hopefully things
with us can be back to how they used to be!