i dont want to die anymore.
tonight was alright.
i saw jennifer which made me happy.
shes doing a lot better...
a whole lot.
and that makes me happy
and she seems happy.
which makes it even better.
she still hasnt smoked.
i am so proud of her.
we met robin and chaz for coffee.
and sandra showed up later.
we were there for awhile after they closed.
just chillin =)
it was fun.
i was missing emily a lot tonight though
i feel like im seeing too many people recently or something.
i dont know.
i just have this icky feeling in my tummy.
like im being too social.
and im not meaning to
if emily was there it would be different and i wouldnt feel
weird about it.
i guess im just a huge freak because i dont like doing
things without my girlfriend.
im crazy after all, right? =)
shes not like that. so...i guess its cool.
i assume most people arent like that.
i really must just be crazy.
besides, the people im seeing all the time now are leaving
just here on break.
so it really makes sense i suppose.
sigh. the twisted mind of me.
im scared of ending up like my mother.
im scared that im going to marry someone like she did and
just drink all the time and work all the time and
i wanted to smoke today.
i think it was cuz i was sad at work.
i love 7.
its a great number.
i have to get up early in the morning and attempt to buy
books for my classes.
im supposed to have read chapters and shit by tomorrow.
oops for me.
im not in the mind set for this shit again.
i think i might drop sociology..
.my teacher seems like a bitch and the class itself was
pissing me off.
and that was just the first day.
i wouldnt be able to contain my anger in there either.
because they all seem stupid.
and stupid people make me really mad.
shopping of all things in the fucking world man
yeah yeah okay so
i now know for certain where my generation is headed.
and i want to vomit.
i want to vomit on them all.
there is so much in life that people dont even fucking
and it makes me so angry that they are willing to just walk
blindly through life.
i do not understand that.
and i want to kick them all and open their eyes
but even if i did man
i would be for a short period of time.
a short period and then theyd go back to their own little
fucking comfy way of thinking.
and choose to forget.
cuz thats easy.
and people are fucking lazy when it comes to using their
or just moving in general.
sometimes i hate everyone.
i wish i could work on my father.
thats the one obstical i know that i will never fucking get
he will seriously hate me for the rest of my life.
"oh he doesnt hate you ashley. no father could hate his own
yes. you dont live with him. and you dont know him.
so shut up.
i just dont understand how someone could be so ignorant.
i just dont understand how that is possible.
especially considering the shit that hes been introduced to
wasnt just through like a passing friend or some distant
its his own daughter.
someone that hes known for 18 years.
nothing. he just...hates.
there is so much hate here and sometimes i just want to
scream at him.
and sometimes i do.
and then im labeled a fucking out of control rebelious
and then that makes everything better for him.
because THAT is the easy thing to do.
besides fucking listen to me.
because that...thats just fucking unheard of here.
last time it got really bad
i sat there crying rocking back and forth on the stairs
after hed fucking pinned me up against the refridgerator
and i asked him why the FUCK he thought i started doing
drugs when i was fucking 13 and i asked him why the fuck he
thought i wore long sleeves in the fucking summer.
DENSE. DENSE DENSE AND IGNORANT
THATS what the fucking took to get him to listen to me.
and then and then yes then
i was unstable.
and i had to go back to fucking shrinks.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII was the FUCKING one with
hes lived sooo much longer than me.
just ask him.
and hes been through it all...
anything i have to say.
is from the mind of a silly little girl.
yeah. a silly little girl thats been through a FUCK of a
lot more than her silly big fat father went through at her
or maybe even now you know.
i dont think hes stupid.
i dont. i know hes fairly smart.
and blissfully that way.
and that makes him a sick and twisted person.
but then again...
the same could be said for the thousands of people i pass
on the street every single fucking day.
he just happens to be my father.
and that just happens to suck for me.
ill be leaving here shortly anyway
and then he really will be one of the thousands i pass on
im sure eventually hell choose to just write me off.
and forget my face.
the way my laugh is jjuussttt like his mothers.
and how my eyes are "flowers" like donie told mommy do.
and...just me. altogether.
simply for the fact.
that i am a different person from him.
and i know that he will never attend my wedding.
i know he will never come for christmas or...my birthday.
and what about his grandchildren.
i bet even they wont be enough for him to accept me.
and for that.
i will hate him even more.
but then again who is to say right..
just after almost 6 years.
what the fuck is another 6 going to do.
what the fuck is another 37 going to do.
and you know what really sucks
is that even if he does change.
which i seriously doubt will ever come close to happening.
it shouldnt fucking take 37 years for him to love me.
it shouldnt fucking take SIX years.
it SHOULDNT fucking take two seconds.
im his daughter.
but you know
he may have fucked up his life.
and made my mothers horrible as well.
i wont fucking give him the satisfaction of fucking up mine.
im not saying im not hurt by any of this.
but. ill fight it till i fucking die.
ill never fucking apease him.
i just get frustrated with it all.
and with my mom.
i hate how they contradict themselves so much.
and i hate how sometimes
i see them in me.
and. that makes me mad.
shovels on the road piss me off too.
and so does cold.
i am SO utterly done with the coldness
i hope summer comes soon
i want to run through sprinklers and jump in pools
i want to go to sleep
and stop thinking so much