2002-01-11 04:26:51 (UTC)

theres nothing left to discover...

did i learn to walk too soon?

yes. i think a lot of us did. so today was another really
shitty day i just felt weak and dizzy and couldnt stop
thinking and i couldnt think of anything happy.. im so
fucking bored with my life. "theres nothing left to
you know, i was at work, getting really pissed off, and i
was thinking you know. i think the reason i hate my life
so much, is that i cant be me anywhere. i fucking spend
all my time hiding myself completely from my mother in the
house i live in, because if she had any idea WHO I AM, she
would hate me. then i go spend my day having to conform to
the standards of assholes to attend a school that i HATE,
cant even wear what i want, and after that, i have to go
fit into the mold of what they want me to look sound act
like at a job that i hate. so i really. dont have a lot.
to enjoy. thats the best i can do to explain to myself
whats wrong.
i need to sit down and talk to matt. if i need to do that
whole chilling talking "bestfriends" shit again to figure
out whats going on, i think i might just do that. i
figure, well i dont want him in my life, and im perfectly
aware that it's better for me without him around, but um,
if this is better? whats the fucking difference? i'll
never be happy with him around me, but im really not all
that happy anyway, and i need to make sure hes alright.
no matter how much i hate him, theres too much there to
not care if hes getting himself into trouble and i really
think he is. i asked dawn tonight and she said he and gus
have been spending a lot of time with jon, and thats really
really bad. that almost confirms things as much as i would
have never thought he would be stupid... and also, i asked
him tonight. like, he used to always get SO mad and shit
if anyone ever said anything about drugs and shit, and i
called him tonight about that job, and i was like baby
promise youre not doing anything stupid and he was like
nah. and i was like would you tell me and hes like yeah
probably and i was like but youre not and hes just like
no.. and i was like i didnt think so but i dont really know
you sometimes and he was like i know...when i knew him, he
would have gotten real defensive at that, and he wasnt even
surprised that i asked, he was just like "nah." grrr. it
makes me very very sad to think about.
i didnt really see her much today. i saw her for a little
bit at work. my friend coleisha met her=) that was cool.
she was like "wow i would have thought you'd be with a
really girly girl like you." ppppfff. lol. whatever. but
then after work dawn called me and she wanted to talk so i
met her for coffee. charlie was there he was like wheres
ashley??? and talking to me about crazy stuf until dawn got
there. then some cool guy came in with a new guitar and
played for me. but he kept talking to me when i was trying
to help dawn and that was annoying. denaro likes my hair.
lol im glad someone does cus i can tell she doesnt and i
sure as hell dont. he was like "thats some hot hair baby i like it"
lol. black guys are so funny.
dawn was having my problems. shes like "he doesnt
understand me." "we're such different people." its funny
but im gus and shes caroline. shes like "i wont say i love
you and he does and it makes me feel weird," and "sex
isnt important to me," and he likes to be all really
affectionate and call her baby and shit and how he always
wants to be the center of her world and have her be the
center of his.. it was funny. anyway.
yeah so why am i so upset lately. i miss ashley. im bored
with my life i hate it i hate me
i hate my hair
i hate how im "packin on the pounds"
i hate that im crazy
i hate that im jealous
i hate that im sad all the time
i hate that i cry myself to sleep every night that shes not
i hate that im becoming dependent on someone that doesnt
want to be that dependable.
i hate that i dont have anything i really want out of life
i hate that im so different and incompatible to her
i hate that i have to hide myself from my mom
and i hate that i fuck everything up
and i hate that i ever met him
and i hate that i let him destroy me
and i hate that im too smart to be doing drugs now
i hate that im too stubborn to just let it all go and be
stupid selfish happy
i hate that i care so much and
i hate that i hurt richard and
i hate that ive lost almost everyone really close to me
and all thats left is these random people and my fucking
attempts at closeness which never work out how i want and
i hate that i was a ho and
i hate that i care too much to just be a ho and make it
easy on myself and
i hate that im always so sick and i always hurt
i hate that i let things go this far
i hate that i dont know the difference between reality and
i hate that i go crazy and
i hate that i carry things around with me and
i hate that i couldnt fix things with him and stay close
i hate that ive lost everyone because of how i am and
i hate that i cant change
i hate that i want what no one can offer
i hate that she has no idea in the world how i feel
i hate that i am out of control
i cant calm down. i can not stop.
i hate that im going to end up like my mother
i hate that i let people hurt me
i hate that im not cute
i hate that im not even NICE. not even COOL. nothing.
i hate everything about me.
every single thing i can think of. i hate.
im full of hate.
im tired im dizzy my head hurts i hate i hate i hate me.

wow. i felt better when i was coming home but i guess i
got myself going again. good job. im done. im done im
done with this im done with shit im so fucking tired of
sitting here crying and hating and dying sometimes i just
want it all back i just want to be fucked up all the time
and not think about anything ever again i fucking hate
thinking i hate knowing i hate everything. i HATE.