Jencaero

Happy Noodle Boy Rox!
2002-01-11 03:46:11 (UTC)

20

I have just shattered my dreams, my lifes aspirations and I
am still living. I have come to the realization that
however many sophisticated words I use, whatever phrases
that seem to be above those of common humans, I am the same
as everybody else. My depth, which I have striven for all
my older life, has been revealed to my by myself as mere
logic. Logic... If then... my math skills which seem to be
so advanced. Thats all my ideas are. Words in the place of
math.Or perhaps I dont see. I don't know, for do the
ignorant know? All my questions... Logic. Perhaps I got
bored and asked something. Realized things were wrong.
FUCKING MATH MY LIFE IS FUCKING MATH AND THERE IS NO FUCKIN
THING I CAN FUCKING DO ABOUT IT AND I FEEL SO FUCKING
SHALLOW BECAUSE ALL I IS IS FUCKING BRAINS AND FUCKING
BRAINS ARE NOT WHAT I WANT TO BE MORE LATER...
if youre going to give me feedback read some more of my diary or this
convo or just write now...
whiteshadowfox: sorry my good mood has just left the building
Afipunkgodess: y
whiteshadowfox: i finally realized i aint cut out to be wise
Afipunkgodess: y?
whiteshadowfox: because to be wise you see wise things
whiteshadowfox: you can listen to the earth and what its trying to
tell you
Afipunkgodess: how do you know?
whiteshadowfox: because i don't see wisdom floating around in the
air......i don't know what the earth is trying to tell me
whiteshadowfox: i don't see it
whiteshadowfox: i probally never will
Afipunkgodess: u will
whiteshadowfox: no i won't
Afipunkgodess: y not?
whiteshadowfox: a person told me just to forget about it and in time
it could come
whiteshadowfox: but how do i know it will
whiteshadowfox: i can't just forget
whiteshadowfox: its part of me now
Afipunkgodess: you will nikki you already are
whiteshadowfox: no i'm not
whiteshadowfox: its not here......i make it seem like it is here but
it isn't
whiteshadowfox: all i do is repeat what other ppl say
whiteshadowfox: none of its mine
whiteshadowfox: its all just what other ppl tell me
whiteshadowfox: tha i make myself remember
Afipunkgodess: but you see things
Afipunkgodess: and you contemplate
Afipunkgodess: and you imput your ideas into them
whiteshadowfox: thats just thinking
Afipunkgodess: but its wisdom recognizing them and adding to them
Afipunkgodess: and correcting them
Afipunkgodess: and drawing things from them
Afipunkgodess: thinking is just processing
Afipunkgodess: wisdom is more
Afipunkgodess: youre not there yet but it will come
Afipunkgodess: you have questions
whiteshadowfox: thats just higher level thinking skills
Afipunkgodess: thats more than anyone else
Afipunkgodess: thats just your opinion
Afipunkgodess: its just a word
whiteshadowfox: getting others opinions and refining them as your own
Afipunkgodess: y ou have your own opions
Afipunkgodess: *opinions
whiteshadowfox: i do
Afipunkgodess: just because people have the same, doesnt mean theyre
your own
Afipunkgodess: yes
whiteshadowfox: but they are based on others things
Afipunkgodess: all opinions are based on things!
Afipunkgodess: are they not
Afipunkgodess: ?
whiteshadowfox: yes
Afipunkgodess: therefore wisdom is affected by other things
Afipunkgodess: or in my Opinion it is
Afipunkgodess: not that i would know
whiteshadowfox: yes but true wisdom comes from within yourself
Afipunkgodess: but then again, who would
Afipunkgodess: yes
whiteshadowfox: your wiser than i am
Afipunkgodess: your opinions come from within yourself
Afipunkgodess: no im not
Afipunkgodess: that i know
Afipunkgodess: if i was wiser i would be so much better
Afipunkgodess: i know im not and so do i youre just saying that
whiteshadowfox: do i just say things??
Afipunkgodess: i dont know
Afipunkgodess: im not you
Afipunkgodess: but it sounds like i
Afipunkgodess: t
Afipunkgodess: i know its not true and yo uknow its not true
therefore its just saying things i dont know i need to let go of my
logical thinking
Afipunkgodess: thats all i have
Afipunkgodess: logic
whiteshadowfox: sorry
whiteshadowfox: i guess i was just saying that
whiteshadowfox: but i don't even have logic
Afipunkgodess: lol yep you were
whiteshadowfox: or not much of it
Afipunkgodess: but logic has nothing to do with wisdom
Afipunkgodess: it has to do with mind
Afipunkgodess: logic is easy you have it
Afipunkgodess: its saying if then
Afipunkgodess: and thats what i do
Afipunkgodess: i prove things wrong sometimes and when logic is
messed up i ask questions
whiteshadowfox: yes
whiteshadowfox: see i don't do that
Afipunkgodess: i will ask things like if christians believe ______
then they should do ________ but they arent
Afipunkgodess: yes and thats where youre wisdom comes in
Afipunkgodess: i myself am a brain with logic thats about it
Afipunkgodess: logic and rebelious nature
Afipunkgodess: youre different
Afipunkgodess: very
Afipunkgodess: were the same but were very different
Afipunkgodess: dont you see?
whiteshadowfox: i see
whiteshadowfox: but all i see is you ask question that get yo
usomewhere
whiteshadowfox: and i odn't ask questions at all sometimes
Afipunkgodess: we tick differently
Afipunkgodess: where do they get me
Afipunkgodess: they get me to another question
Afipunkgodess: another answer
Afipunkgodess: hoping to find the ultamite one
Afipunkgodess: but there are so many questions to ask
Afipunkgodess: and so many answers to obtain
whiteshadowfox: exactly
Afipunkgodess: that my quest for understanding most likely will fail
whiteshadowfox: it interests you
whiteshadowfox: no it won't
Afipunkgodess: yes it will
Afipunkgodess: you go about things differentl
Afipunkgodess: y
whiteshadowfox: because at somepoint you will realize that you were
looking in the wrong direction
Afipunkgodess: you-wisdom
whiteshadowfox: that you missed something
Afipunkgodess: yes and try a new one or change it
whiteshadowfox: that its all simple
Afipunkgodess: there will always be things to change
Afipunkgodess: yes and your quest for wisdom
Afipunkgodess: is more of ending up just knowing just being like it i
dont know how to phrase it
whiteshadowfox: its okay
whiteshadowfox: its my own fault anyway
Afipunkgodess: bout what
whiteshadowfox: i set my expectations to high
whiteshadowfox: to unrealistic
whiteshadowfox: i thought or i knew i just couldn't fail
whiteshadowfox: at it
whiteshadowfox: that it was just immpossible to fail
Afipunkgodess: why
Afipunkgodess: do you still think that
whiteshadowfox: no i don't heh i now know that failure is an option
Afipunkgodess: why do you know (or think you know) this
whiteshadowfox: because failure is always an option
whiteshadowfox: you can and may suceed
whiteshadowfox: but you may not
whiteshadowfox: and when you don't
whiteshadowfox: that it is sometimes called failure
whiteshadowfox: so you may suceed but then you may not
Afipunkgodess: nikki ijust realized somethin bout myself
Afipunkgodess: i am logic
Afipunkgodess: i didnt know that
Afipunkgodess: now i am
Afipunkgodess: now i need to start over
whiteshadowfox: what do u mean?
Afipunkgodess: i am logic
Afipunkgodess: logic
Afipunkgodess: logic
Afipunkgodess: i just say if then
Afipunkgodess: and why
Afipunkgodess: and be done with it
Afipunkgodess: there is no depth to that
Afipunkgodess: just math
whiteshadowfox: but logic is logic
Afipunkgodess: LOGIC IS MATH
whiteshadowfox: if you have logic you can almost seem to have it made
Afipunkgodess: my math is my mind
Afipunkgodess: although i didnt make it into geo hon
Afipunkgodess: math must be something big
Afipunkgodess: reasoning like that
Afipunkgodess: because look at everything ive said
Afipunkgodess: its all brains
Afipunkgodess: nikki look here
Afipunkgodess: here is part of an entry
whiteshadowfox: k
Afipunkgodess: I
believe that theyre the crazy ones but that cant be true
because it seems that almost everyone is crazy and if it
seems like that then i guess im just the odd one out, arent
i!?
Afipunkgodess: LOGIC
Afipunkgodess: They think they know all but
thinking isnt knowing now, is it. yet who am i to talk? i
hope i am not so hypocritical as my peers, yet i must be,
for i am surrounded by them everyday and they must have
some influence on me. Yet then again it could have just the
same had the effect of making me somewhat of a rebel...
Afipunkgodess: LOGIC
Afipunkgodess: i have heard
somewhere that without hate there is no love... if that is
true, then would the same be of without hell there is no
heaven? i mean in life a victory is so much sweeter after a
defeat... had i not known defeat i would have taken victory
for granted, yet i do know it, therefore cherish victory.
but do we all? do we really love life as much as we should?

Afipunkgodess: LOGIC
Afipunkgodess: theres more
whiteshadowfox: k
Afipunkgodess: i mean God is supposed to be good
all things good come from God?
what happened to free will though?
if we praise him when things happen or pray when bad things
happen...
then that means we think he had something to do with it
because God is good
All things good come from God? again?
but we contradict ourselves.
we like the idea of free will
if not, its not much of a test, is it?
yet it wasnt my free will to be born where i was
and would someone elses soul if there is such a thing...
would it have developed into the same person as me under
exact same circumstances.
because then thats fate.
free will
hmmm
i get in a car wreck
that wasnt my free will
im dead
hmmm
but then you could argue that i chose to get into the car
ok
then well say someone shoved me in
wait, i chose to be close to that someone
is that it?
but our coming into being
thats not free will
and hell
is that just a mere result for being bad?
i dont see how GOd can not admit people into heaven who
want to go
but if people want to go to hell, then wouldnt hell be
heaven?
back to the results of being bad..
is hell like a timeout, and heaven like candy?
i mean be good get rewarded, be bad get punished?
or do we just like to think that?
why do we live if we just die?
christen judges shes not so holy after all
she said all who commit suicide go to hell
how on earth would she know
just because the church teaches it doesnt mean its true
i mean it probably sounds sacreligious but i mean
the church has been terribly wrong before

Afipunkgodess: LOGIC AGAIN
whiteshadowfox: so what?? you work on logic and reasoning
whiteshadowfox: thats good
Afipunkgodess: is us calling god he just increasing mans superiority
over
women?
not that women are inferior
but it could lead men to think that

Afipunkgodess: logic again
Afipunkgodess: no nikki
Afipunkgodess: EVERYTHING I SAY IS LOGIC
whiteshadowfox: so?! thats what life is about
whiteshadowfox: if you don't have logic you can't survive
Afipunkgodess: and what is "weird"? who is not "weird"
would it not be weird to be normal?

Afipunkgodess: but there is more to life than logic
Afipunkgodess: more logic ^^^^
whiteshadowfox: there may be
Afipunkgodess: all i am about is logic
whiteshadowfox: but in a way logic leads you to more things
Afipunkgodess: i have been blin
Afipunkgodess: d
whiteshadowfox: and your more than logic
Afipunkgodess: yes, more logic
whiteshadowfox: if you wre just logic you wouldn't have questions
Afipunkgodess: everything is logic
whiteshadowfox: your wise questiosn come from your logic
Afipunkgodess: perhaps i got bored
Afipunkgodess: and toyed with ideas
Afipunkgodess: because my mind was bored with math im in
Afipunkgodess: and then came upon the realization of corruptness
Afipunkgodess: and hypocricy
Afipunkgodess: and formed more questions
Afipunkgodess: based on my morals
Afipunkgodess: found answers through logic
Afipunkgodess: thats all nikki9
Afipunkgodess: look at it
Afipunkgodess: im being logical right now
whiteshadowfox: jen......i do that
whiteshadowfox: everyone does that
Afipunkgodess: yes but not like me
whiteshadowfox: your organizing your ideas to form proper conclusions
Afipunkgodess: not all the time
Afipunkgodess: not all the time
Afipunkgodess: i do it all the time